Domestic abuse survivor: “I thought time together would help our relationship, but it was like prison”
Shocking new figures show domestic abuse has escalated in the pandemic, with more than half of women living with their abuser saying their situation has worsened. Closer speaks to a survivor of coercive control who’s bravely speaking out to encourage peop
❛ I WAS WARNED THAT HE MIGHT KILL HIMSELF OR ME NEXT TIME – I COULDN’T LIVE LIKE THAT ❜
It’s a measure of how emotionally abused Sue Smith* was that when the first lockdown was announced, she actually felt relieved and hopeful that her relationship would improve.
Sue was certain that when her fiancé was with her 24/7, he’d finally realise that she wasn’t having an affair and stop monitoring her every move.
RELIEF
The sad reality was that things got much worse for her. In November, he slashed himself with a knife to stop her leaving the house. It was then that she decided to make her escape, getting help from Refuge – a charity supporting anyone who’s experiencing domestic abuse. Speaking from a safe house run by Refuge in the Midlands, Sue, 32, says, “I’m having therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder, but I’m a survivor. I thought time together in lockdown might help our relationship – but I was in a prison. There was no respite. He controlled every aspect of my life. He saved my contacts to his phone and when I was on WhatsApp, he’d check his phone to see which of my contacts was online and who I might be speaking to. He would even control what time I had my shower. If I went to the supermarket he made me video call him while I was there.”
Statistics compiled by Refuge show that Sue is just one of thousands of women currently living in fear. During the first lockdown, a fifth of all calls to the police were related to domestic abuse and Refuge is currently supporting around 7,000 women and children – 1,700 of whom are still living with their abusers.
Cordelia Tucker O’Sullivan, Refuge’s Policy and Public Affairs Manager, tells Closer, “It isn’t that the pandemic has caused domestic abuse – it’s that it has intensified and escalated existing situations. Women are now with their abusers 24 hours a day with no respite – they can’t see friends and family and just have a bit of normal interaction. They are more isolated than ever.
“We’ve also seen an increase in economic abuse – if a woman has been furloughed or made redundant, their partner might see that as an opportunity to take control of the finances.”
She adds, “I want women to know that our services are very much open and [despite the lockdown regulations] it’s legal to leave your home if you are in danger and suffering from abuse.
Sue adds, “It is possible to escape your abuser safely. You can contact organisations like Refuge before escaping – they can help you to plan and protect your children. They will take care of you.”
Sue met her ex, James*, a 52-year-old businessman, in November 2018. Their relationship moved quickly – he asked her to move in within weeks and, after his mother died in January 2019, she decided to do it so she could support him with his grief.
She says, “We met on Tinder and he seemed perfect – he was kind, attentive and funny.
“It was at the end of January when I went for an interview for a new secretarial job that I saw a jealous side to him. I had to switch off my phone and when I turned it back on there were about 30 messages and masses of calls from him.”
Sue got the job, and James’ jealousy escalated – he’d work himself into a fury at an imagined affair, and yet at other times he was the charming man she had first met.
But he installed CCTV in their flat to monitor her comings and goings. And in September 2019, Sue gave up her job, in a bid to reassure him and stop his jealousy.
She says, “I couldn’t take
it any more. But I was too embarrassed to tell my friends and family why I’d left and told them I’d been made redundant.”
ISOLATION
Sue now realises that nothing would have stopped his coercive control.
She says, “I tried talking to him, I asked him to get help. He would apologise, but it would carry on. I kept on telling myself that, if only he could believe I wasn’t cheating, then he’d go back to normal. But the isolation of lockdown made it even worse. In November, I got a new job. The day before I was due to start he cut his wrists and upper arms. I called an ambulance, but I couldn’t go with him because of COVID-19 restrictions.
“When I spoke to the doctor he said he’d cut into muscles and tendons – not his veins. He’d also used the bread knife, not one of our sharp kitchen knives. I knew then it was another way of controlling me. I spoke to a psychiatrist and I was warned that he might try to kill himself – or me next time. I couldn’t live like that.”
Sue knew she had to leave, but she had no savings and would have to quit her job, so she rang her local council and was put in touch with Women’s Aid, a charity that helped her find accommodation through Refuge, which runs the National Domestic Abuse Helpline. She was offered accommodation in a safe house and left with a suitcase and a bin bag full of clothes, then was offered a place to stay in a different city nearby.
She says, “I had mixed emotions. I was overwhelmed but Refuge sorted everything, including food and bedding.”
James did contact one of her close friends to ask where she’d gone – but the friend reiterated that Sue wanted nothing to do with him. Sue says, “I wasn’t worried. Police involvement would ruin his career and he wouldn’t want that. I knew he’d leave me be, but I’ll never go back to the area.”
She adds, “I feel free for the first time in years. I can now talk openly to my friends and shower whenever I want to. They’re such small things, but they’re huge when they’re taken away from you.”
● For support, contact Refuge’s Freephone 24hr National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Or visit Nationaldahelpline.org.uk to fill in a webform and request a safe time to be contacted, or to access live chat (available 3pm-10pm Monday to Friday). Through the helpline you can access emotional and practical support. Helpline advisors can assist with housing (including finding refuge accommodation) and accessing community and outreach services.