What did lockdown do to our sex lives?
After the nation was ordered home last March, there were predictions of a pandemic baby boom. But a survey showed a third of people had less sex over the past year. Closer talks to four women about how intimacy has changed
❛ FOR US, THE PANDEMIC WAS A LIBIDO KILLER – THE WORLD AROUND US WAS SO BLEAK ❜
Sam and Paul Evans always had a healthy love life, having sex up to four times a week. But when the pandemic struck, their desire dwindled to almost nothing and the couple both acknowledge that their relationship suffered.
Former nurse Sam, 53, who owns an online sex toy company with 54-yearold Paul, says, “For us, the pandemic was a libido killer. We went from often nipping off for some afternoon fun, to nothing. The grim news every day didn’t help, and we also suffered a family bereavement. It was hard to keep things erotic when the world around us was so bleak.”
ISOLATION
Sam and Paul aren’t alone. Experts say that isolation and being continuously told “what to do” by the government saw libidos drop, coupled with the fact the nation was drinking more to cope, which also lowers sex drive. Overall sexual activity is believed to have declined by 30 per cent in the past year – down from a pre-pandemic average of 2.7 times a week to 1.9 times a week.
Relationship therapist Elinor Harvey explains, “For some couples it has been bonding. They’ve had more time to spend together and they’ve rediscovered their sex life and even started experimenting.
But for others, it’s been tough
– we aren’t used to being together so much, so it can be hard to keep things fresh.
“Equally, it’s tough when you’re worried and stressed about everything from finances to health. Once tensions set in, sex is the last thing on your mind. It’s been a hard time for many relationships.”
For Sam and Paul, having their children aged 21, 19 and 17, return home during lockdown didn’t help matters as it meant they rarely had alone time, and Sam says she felt less connected to Paul because of it. She says, “We would still cuddle at times, but mostly we’d end up sitting on separate sofas. And we were both quite snappy.
“In normal times, you can go for a night out and suddenly feel a bit more amorous because you’ve had a change of scene. But this was the same old, same old. And I put on weight. When you don’t feel good about your body it impacts on your sex drive. It was the last thing I wanted to do. But now, with restrictions easing, and the fact we’re both about to have our second vaccinations, I know we’ll get our sexual mojo back.”
UNSATISFIED
For stay-at-home mum, Penny Hamble*, 34, from Winchester, the pandemic highlighted how unsatisfied she was with her marriage. Penny, who has two boys, aged eight and six, started cheating on her husband Paul, 35, who works in IT, during the first lockdown.
She explains, “I’m the last person you’d ever imagine having an affair. I absolutely dote on my children, and Paul and I have been together since we met at university. On the surface our relationship was fine, but underneath we had issues – mismatched libidos being a big one. I saw lockdown as an opportunity to have more sex, as he was working from home and not having to commute, so I thought he would be less tired – but Paul showed no interest.
“I felt rejected. Normally
I’d bury my feelings by being busy, taking the boys to clubs, or seeing friends. But now
I had no form of escapism. I was bored and neglected.”
When Penny confided in a friend about how she felt, she mentioned Illicit Encounters, a website for extra-marital affairs.
Penny says, “One evening, a couple of months into lockdown, I decided to sign up. I was inundated with messages which made me feel good about myself, and I arranged to meet up with a local man called Ian. We both have dogs so met for a walk with them. Nothing physical happened the first time, but there was a
connection – for the first time in a long time, I felt attractive. And it broke up the monotony of the day. I was homeschooling in the morning but it was nice to sneak off and be desired by a handsome man for a few hours.
“During the summer, when restrictions eased, Paul went back to his office, so it was easy to meet Ian and have picnics in secluded places that inevitably ended in sex.”
But for Penny, their relationship never got serious.
She says, “We ended things mutually in November as I knew I needed to focus on Paul. But it gave me the confidence to discuss our marriage and my needs with my husband. We’ve brought back date nights and we’re trying to shake things up sexually. I don’t feel guilty because our marriage is now better than ever.”