YOU CAN SAY NO TO KIDS WITHOUT BEING NEGATIVE

There’s a positive parenting movement, where mums and dads vow never to use the word ‘no’ or other negative words like ‘stop’ and ‘don’t’. Emma says there’s a balance to be struck

practise compassionate parenting, so I never shout at or hit my kids, and I negotiate as opposed to direct when it comes to decisions and disagreements. Instead of telling my boys what to do, I ask them their opinions and allow them to healthily debate their point of view. As a result, I have never had a row with either of my kids. This makes me a peaceful and liberal parent, but it doesn’t mean that my kids don’t have boundaries, and they have been told “no” on many occasions.

READY THEM FOR LIFE

Some parents are avoiding negative words like “stop”, “don’t” or “no”. I can see the sense, but how are these children being prepared for the world around them? Other kids and adults will use these phrases, as they are part of our language, but they are also often reactionary and protective statements; if a child is about to run into the road, you’ll scream “stop” – and that’s right.

SLOW YOUR REACTIONS

There’s a middle ground; if you try to avoid negative phrases as often as possible, you’re likely to have more harmony. The key is to slow down in situations where you would usually use negative language; say your little one is interrupting you, rather than telling them to “stop it”, instead say, “I can’t wait to hear what you want to tell me, and as soon as I finish this conversation, I will listen to you”. It gets the same result but they feel valued and heard, while recognising that they shouldn’t interrupt you. You may struggle more when they ask you to buy them expensive things, but it’s an opportunity to explain why the purchase isn’t possible. Acknowledge how much they want it, tell them you understand the frustration they feel, explain it isn’t possible now, and perhaps suggest helping them to save up through helping with chores.

FIND YOUR RHYTHM

This kind of parenting doesn’t mean you give your kids free rein, it just means you become conscious of how you use language. They need to hear the words “no”, “stop” and “don’t” on occasion, as they will at school and in the wider world, so they need to be prepared. Finding your personal balance is important, so see what works for you as a family.