Can an affair really be good for your marriage?

Top divorce lawyer Ayesha Vardag has controversially claimed that ‘adultery is far from the worst thing in the world’. Closer talks to three women about the effects cheating has had on their relationships...

IT’S MADE ME REALISE THE GRASS ISN’T GREENER

Excitedly putting on her best underwear and topping up her make-up, Annie Johnson*, rushes out the door for dinner. But she isn’t heading for a date night with her husband of 16 years – instead she’s off to meet her also married lover, James*.

Copywriter Annie, 43, from Norwich, has been seeing

James for four years – and says he is the “glue” that makes her marriage work.

She says, “I’m desperate to keep my family together, I can’t bear the pain divorce would bring on my children, who are 12 and nine.

“But my husband and I have grown apart – we’ve lost interest in each other, we never have sex and we don’t support each other. It’s sad, but he won’t consider counselling to even try to salvage what we can. Having James is my lifeline. He keeps me sane.”

HARMFUL

Annie isn’t alone – a recent YouGov poll showed that one in five UK adults has admitted to playing away, with 20 per cent saying they had had three or more affairs, and 8 per cent a shocking five or more. Statistics show that nearly 15 per cent of women and 22 per cent of men have had an affair – and the pandemic hasn’t helped matters.

The UK website Illicit Encounters – a dating agency for people interested in extramarital affairs – saw a 24 per cent rise in sign-ups between July and December last year.

BOUNDARIES

And another study revealed that there has been a rise in women pursuing affairs, with almost two-thirds looking for fun outside their marriage compared with 44 per cent of men.

But sex and relationship therapist Rhian Kivits says it’s a slippery slope. She tells Closer, , “An affair is never the answer. It’s very stressful – you’re forever making plans, covering your tracks and watching what you say. That stress is harmful, both physically and mentally, to everyone involved. When people are honest about an affair, it can be an opportunity to renegotiate the boundaries of a marriage and talk honestly.

“People who cheat and think it makes their marriage bearable and better, that’s a worry.

You’re keeping a partner in the relationship under false pretences.

“And so many people stay in unhappy marriages ‘for the sake of the children’ while conducting an affair – but it’s the wrong thing to do. Children won’t be experiencing a happy, and connected relationship at home. They’ll be observing their parents in avoidance, and they will sense that there’s deception going on and it may well affect their future relationships. Children need to see relationships that are filled with integrity.

“If you are having an affair because you feel like you’re not getting the attention you deserve, or think you’re being taken for granted, then talk to your spouse. Communicate – don’t escape into a world of deception.”

But Annie has no plans to end things with her lover any time soon. She says, “I met James through work four years ago and we meet up once a week, often in a hotel for sex, but also for dinner. It’s a glorious escape from my life at home, which is quite miserable.

“And even though I hate leaving him after a blissful few hours together, it keeps me going until I can snatch a few hours with him again the following week.

“During lockdown, when we couldn’t see each other, I missed him so much. I became snappy and felt anxious all the time. As soon as we could meet again,

I instantly felt better.

“It might not help my marriage, but it’s enabled me to stay in it, and I believe that’s best for my children.”

For Lizzie Cohen*, 34, lockdown put a strain on her marriage and she found herself hooking up with an old flame. And she says it helped her reconnect with her husband.

Lizzie, who works in banking and lives with her husband Dave*, 49, says, “For a while my marriage has been deteriorating, our libidos – which once matched perfectly – have drifted. As Dave gets older he’s wanted less sex, while I’ve wanted more. It got to the stage where I felt he was going through the motions to please me, which dented my confidence.

FLIRTING

“I struggled during lockdown

– I missed going to the office and seeing my friends and took it out on Dave.

“Then, in October, I bumped into an old school friend. We started texting and by December we were flirting. In January, we met up and had sex. As Dave works shifts as a policeman, I didn’t have to lie to him, I just saw my lover when he was at work.”

Surprisingly, Lizzie claims the affair has made her realise how special her marriage is and how much she loves her husband.

She says, “Our marriage has improved. I’ve stopped nagging him and making snide remarks about our lack of sex life – which has of course made it better. We are back to bantering and enjoying each other’s company. It’s made me realise the grass isn’t greener – while I like my lover enormously, I couldn’t fall in love with him. The affair is petering out, we’ve gone from meeting on a weekly basis to a monthly basis and that’s been a mutual decision.

BEARABLE

“But I’ll always be grateful to him for giving me back my confidence, and for making my marriage more bearable through a rough patch – without him we’d have continued going downhill. I know it’s not ideal to have an affair, but I do believe it’s made things better for my marriage in the long run.”

By Mel Fallowfield