Do affairs damage the children forever?
The photos of Matt Hancock embracing his lover Gina Coladangelo must have been devastating for their spouses – but there are also six children who are affected. We talk to two women who’ve endured the heartbreak of a cheating parent about the effects it h
Whenever Helen Fear spots a bottle of Eternity aftershave, it takes her back to being a young girl and her father opening a present from his mistress in front of the family on Christmas Day, and saying it came from a “close friend”. Later that day, Helen heard him on the phone telling her how much he cared for her.
For Helen, her father’s infidelity has had a huge impact on her life. She admits that she’s found it hard to trust in relationships and despite now being in a happy marriage to Paul, 49, who works in IT, she still can’t quite believe in the fairy tale and one part of her is always prepared for it to end.
Helen, 46, a writer from Rickmansworth, who has twins Frieda and Rae, nine, says, “My heart breaks for Matt Hancock’s wife Martha and their children. It’s one of the most devastating things that can ever happen for the whole family.”
Other high-profile affairs have had a serious impact on the children of the parents involved. Boris Johnson’s daughter Lara, 27, was alleged to have called her father a “selfish b*****d” after her mother Marina ended their relationship when he cheated on her. And it’s been reported that The Great British Bake Off’s Paul Hollywood’s son Josh didn’t speak to his father for two years after he walked out on mum Alexandra in November 2017 and started a relationship with Summer Monteys-Fullam, which has since ended.
According to clinical psychologist Ana Nogales, author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children And Adults Are Affected When Their Parents
Are Unfaithful, growing up in a family with infidelity has a lasting impact on children in terms of how they view their romantic relationships and their ability to trust future partners. Her research found that 75 per cent of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, and 80 per cent say that the infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships.
Sex and relationship therapist Rhian Kivits says, “An affair turns a child’s life upside down, their whole security is their mum and dad, and that is ripped away from them. They will feel betrayed, insecure and uncertain about the future.
“When your parent’s infidelity is public it adds another layer to what they’re going through of shame and embarrassment. As the child of a famous person, your identity is inextricably linked to theirs, so you might take on their shame and embarrassment. The repercussions can last a lifetime.”
ABSENT
Helen agrees. She says, “I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know my dad was cheating on my mum. He was always absent and when he was there he made it clear he’d rather be somewhere else with someone else. When I was 12, my sister, who’s six years older, came back early from a trip to Spain and found him in bed with another woman. He left when I was 14 – it was a relief.”
But the damage was done. Helen says, “We had to leave the family home and move into a small flat. Two years later I developed anorexia and bulimia, which I believe was linked to all the changes that happened.
“Later, it affected my relationships, as I was convinced boyfriends were cheating. I met my now-husband, Paul, through mutual friends when I was
26, and when he told me he
loved me I’d say it back to him but add ‘for now’. I needed to take it very slowly. I couldn’t believe love lasted.”
However, in 2007, Helen did marry Paul. She says, “I probably wouldn’t have got married if we hadn’t been travelling and going through Vegas. One of the deciding factors was our parents not being there. We both came from broken homes and didn’t want them at our wedding because we felt they were a representation of how it could go so wrong.”
Even though Helen and Paul have a happy marriage, she still has trust issues and also admits she even struggles to forgive friends if they let her down.
She says, “I watched my mother forgive repeatedly and it got her nowhere. I swore to myself I’d never be that person. If I have an issue with someone there are no second chances, and Paul knows that if he ever cheated that would be it.”
TRUST ISSUES
Mental health and sex positivity advocate Clio Wood, 38, has also struggled with relationships after discovering her father having an affair.
Clio, who lives in London with her husband Bryn, 39, and their two daughters, aged six and three weeks old, says, “I walked in on my dad in bed with another woman. My mother was working away and when she came back I told her. I heard the arguments afterwards and blamed myself, and my home environment became toxic.
“I met Bryn in 2008 through friends and married in 2011. I was desperate to finally create the happy family unit that I’d always wanted. But five years ago, I started therapy because our marriage was in trouble. We had a few issues, but one of the main ones was my anger,
I’d often shout at Bryn for no reason. I’d never processed my childhood feelings towards my parents for the impact their behaviour and selfishness had on me. I also thought that fighting was ‘normal’ as it was all I knew. Fortunately, therapy has helped and we’re now in a good place.”