Why are stepmums refused help to have babies?
Stepmothers across the UK are being denied IVF treatment because their partners already have a child from a previous relationship. Closer speaks to the women who are suffering heartache…
When Sarah Barker met her partner Chris, it was love at first sight. The couple’s whirlwind romance meant Sarah was soon introduced to camera operator Chris’ daughter, Lily, from a previous relationship, and they got on brilliantly.
After they’d been together for two years, in November 2017, they started trying for a family of their own.
But Sarah – who suffers with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) – struggled to get pregnant and she and Chris, now 31, looked into IVF and booked a consultation.
However, the 26-yearold, who works for her local council, was stunned to be told she’d be denied IVF treatment on the NHS because she had a stepchild, leaving her heartbroken.
DEVASTATED
Sarah, from Lincoln, says, “Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve wanted to have a family of my own and to have the experience of carrying a baby. My desire to be a mum is so strong and having my stepdaughter just made me want it more.
“I’m devastated I’m not allowed to have the same opportunity as so many other women because I don’t fit an archaic eligibility criteria. I’m being punished for falling in love with a man who already has a child – it’s not fair.
“The rules need to be reviewed. Some days, when I see a pram, my heart sinks because I’m not being given that chance. My mental health is at all-time low.”
DIFFICULTY
NHS England reports that one in seven couples may have difficulty conceiving. For couples who have been trying to conceive for more than three years without success, the likelihood of getting pregnant naturally the following year is one in four – sometimes less.
NHS clinical commissioning groups (CCGs) have the final say on who can have NHS-funded IVF in their local area, and their criteria is often stricter than the guidelines set by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE).
The provision of IVF treatment varies across England and Wales and often depends on local CCG policies, and additional criteria can ask that you fall into a certain age range, don’t smoke, are a healthy weight and do not have children already, from both your current and any previous relationships.
MPs are being urged to use their powers to help fight rules that are stopping couples like Sarah and Chris from getting access to treatment on the NHS. Welsh Labour MP Alex Davies-Jones is a stepmum to her husband’s two children and was forced to seek IVF privately because she didn’t meet the NHS criteria and was denied treatment.
She says, “Imagine not only being unable to conceive a child but having that rejection of having the door slammed in your face.
“It’s incredibly expensive and a huge barrier for a lot of people who are unable to go private. We had to save a lot of money, we were helped out by parents, and we also took out some money from loans in order to fund the treatment. It can be incredibly tough and heartbreakingly and financially difficult for a lot of people.
“We were really, really lucky that our treatment worked on the first cycle because, if it hadn’t, then we would have had to pay for another cycle.
“I’m aware of friends who have undergone 10 cycles of private treatment and it’s literally bankrupted them, but it’s what you’re willing to do if you want a family of your own.”
Last month, the issue was raised in parliament, with the Minister of State for Social Care, Helen Whately, agreeing to look into it. She said, “We are aware of some variations in access, and we are looking at how we can address that.”
For Sarah, a change in the law can’t come soon enough. She is demanding urgent reform and has launched a petition, which already has over 15,000 signatures.
Sarah was diagnosed with PCOS in her late teens. She says, “I was told by doctors not to worry about my fertility because there was still a
I’M BEING PUNISHED FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH A MAN WHO ALREADY HAS A CHILD
chance I could fall pregnant naturally. But I rarely had periods, and doctors put me on the contraceptive pill to kickstart my cycle.
“I met Chris online and, after a few months, he introduced me to Lily, then two, and it was amazing. Within a year we had moved into our threebedroom house and began our life together.”
SPECIALIST
In November 2017, Sarah came off the Pill and started trying for a baby, but after a year of struggling to fall pregnant, she made an appointment with a fertility specialist.
She recalls, “After coming off the Pill, my periods stopped completely, and I saw my GP who referred me for fertility tests. It was a year-long process and I had monthly blood tests to see if I was ovulating and had to take different hormones to try to start my cycle again.
“Chris told me to stay positive, but most evenings I would be in tears.”
In June 2019,
Sarah went back to a fertility specialist and was shocked when a junior doctor told her she couldn’t have IVF because Chris had a child from another relationship.
She says, “I was devastated.
I’d done everything doctors had asked me to do. I became fitter and exercised more and went from 13st to 9st, which was healthy for my 5ft 3 frame. I was under 35, which was the age range the NHS was willing to fund, and I didn’t smoke or drink. But none of that mattered because of my relationship with Chris. I was being discriminated against because the man I’d fallen in love with already had a child.”
Sarah and Chris have looked into private IVF treatment, which can cost thousands of pounds.
She says, “Chris and I have spoken about going ahead with it because it’s our only option – but so many women aren’t fortunate enough to be in the same position financially.
“I have now started a joint petition with Billie Barnes and Jordan Smith, who are both stepmums and also have their own biological children. Together they run the Instagram page the Stepmum Collective, to stop denying women fertility treatment because their partner already has a child.
GRIEVING
“I’m so grateful for all the support. It’s so shocking that this is allowed to happen.
“I feel like I’m being betrayed by my own body and am grieving for a child I have not had. Unfair rules are just making things even harder.”
By Kaya Terry and Aaron Renfree ● Follow Sarah’s campaign by following her Instagram page @ UKStepmum. To sign the petition, go to Change.org and search for “Stop denying women fertility treatment because their partner already has a child”.
● For free and impartial support, advice, information and understanding for anyone affected by fertility issues, visit fertilitynetworkuk.org