Advice: How to prepare you and your kids for uni

The beginning of a new academic year is always a time of mixed emotions. As well as millions of parents waving little ones off at school gates, many will be saying a more permanent goodbye as their older children leave home to attend university and experience independent living for the first time.

CHECK THEY WANT TO GO THIS YEAR

The first thing to do is be absolutely sure now is the right time. Draw their attention to the chaos of last year and ask them how they would feel if they found themselves in their halls of residence or house share all day, studying online. If they feel they are willing to take this risk, then help them to plan how they would stay healthy and happy, should a lockdown occur. If you know other families who have children who have been through this, ask them to tell you about their experiences, or read some articles online, as it has been well covered. Some young people may conclude they would rather defer their place for a year so they can see when and if academic life returns to normal. Attending university is very expensive and, if they feel that getting into debt to potentially study online full-time isn’t for them, support them with this decision. They could work for a year and gain valuable life experience, meaning they have some financial backing when they do take up their place.

BE FLEXIBLE

If they choose to stay at home, discuss how they can fully utilise their time, whether that’s volunteering for a cause they feel particularly passionate about or gaining some experience in a career they are inspired by.

EXPECT TO BE EMOTIONAL

Big changes in your children’s lives and your parenting journey will always conjure up a range of unsettling feelings. You want them to have the best opportunities and to be able to celebrate their educational achievements, but you also have to let go so your children can begin their journey into independence. Separation anxiety is an entirely normal emotional process, particularly as you’ve likely spent a huge amount of time with your kids due to lockdowns.

TAKE YOUR TIME

Accepting your emotions are rational is important. You love your kids and want to keep them safe and, now they are moving to university halls of residence, you worry. However, be careful not to pass this anxiety on to them. They are about to embark on an important stage in their lives so need you to champion them and provide support and positivity. You want them to be confident, happy adults, so don’t burden them with guilt about leaving you.

THINK POSITIVELY

If you are preoccupied with them falling ill with coronavirus, try to think back to when you were 18. How often did you worry about getting sick? We are living through a pandemic, so things are different now, but fit and healthy young people needn’t be overly concerned about this virus as they are not at great risk from it. Also, remember that your son or daughter has learned as much as you about how best to protect themselves, and this year – unlike the last one – they can access twice-weekly tests for extra reassurance. Reframing your thoughts this way will help you dispel your fears while encouraging confidence in your children’s decisions.

If you worry about the huge space that them leaving home will create in your life, think about how to fill your new-found free time. Instead of seeing the hours or weeks that you now have as some kind of childfree torture, consider positive activities and events that you can take part in. Maybe it is time to pursue a hobby you have always put on the backburner, or think about a new career. Perhaps you will finally be able to put your own needs first as you take time to rediscover your true purpose or allow yourself to indulge in self-care.

ENCOURAGE REALISM

It is important to acknowledge the uncertainty of this “new normal” as, while all of us parents try to remain positive by trusting the world of education as it returns to normal, we are also aware that, come winter,

some restrictions could come back. Once again, we may be managing the impact on the emotional and mental health of our children. For young people who are meant to be enjoying freedom, limitations imposed on their socialising will be particularly challenging. University isn’t just about studying, it is also a time to meet new people, stride out in the world, and discover who you are and what matters to you. It is a rite of passage to go clubbing, have all-nighters with mates, and attend lectures with a hangover – yet this September could be a very different experience.

You don’t want to rain on their parade, but it is absolutely worth having a conversation about their expectations.

MANAGE SCREEN TIME

It is so important that young people who have many of their lectures taught remotely take time away from screens. Young people’s brains are not fully developed until they are

25, which means they need to digitally detox on a regular basis. Help them plan exercise, healthy eating, social experiences with friends and time with nature to ensure a good balance. While you cannot control what your kids get up to all the time, particularly if they are moving away, you can still equip them with the important knowledge to make independent living a positive one, such as encouraging them to get a budgeting app or teaching them how to make cheap, tasty and healthy meals. These are important and useful life lessons.

TALK ABOUT SEX

Have open conversations about sex and relationships, because, like it or not, your son or daughter will likely be exposed to porn and potential sexual relationships at university. Discuss sexual consent – how it applies to all aspects of intimacy, why someone under the influence of drugs or alcohol cannot consent, and the fact that you can say yes, then change your mind, and that should be respected. Also discuss the long-term ramifications of sending nude pictures, which you then completely lose control over, and the fact that porn is not an accurate reflection of sex within relationships. You may find this challenging, but it will protect your child and give you peace of mind. There are helpful articles on themix.org.uk for under-25s. Ensuring your kids understand safe sex, and even supplying them with condoms, is a responsible parental action, even if it feels awkward. They are already aware they don’t want to catch Covid-19 – they also don’t want to catch STIs, and condoms are the only effective protection against those.

DISCUSS DRUGS

Recreational use of drugs is popular among young people, so while you can’t stop them experimenting, you can educate them on the risks and the potential impact on their mental and physical health. Look at talktofrank.com.

An informed child is a protected child.