‘I felt exposed and vulnerable’
Business analyst Sarah, 32, from Stockton-onTees, says, “When I read about what Alex Phillips has been through, my heart broke for her. I know exactly how it feels to be betrayed like that.
“In November 2017, I ended my engagement to my boyfriend of five years, after I’d realised I couldn’t marry him.
“When we’d met seven years earlier, I thought he was perfect, but over the years he became very controlling – dictating what I wore, how I spent my spare time and isolating me from my friends and family. When I told him it was over, he begged me to stay, but I moved out of the home we shared and back in with my parents.
“Then, two weeks after we split, he asked me to come over. I knew breaking up was the right thing to do, but it was hard to adjust to my new life and, feeling lost and lonely, we ended up sleeping together – little did I know the impact that night would have on the rest of my life. Without my knowledge, he’d set up a camera and filmed us having sex.
WORST NIGHTMARE
“A week later, I was in London for work when he sent me a couple of screen shots from that night and demanded I meet him. At first, I was so shocked I didn’t respond, but then the threats increased. He said that if I didn’t see him, he’d send the videos to everyone I knew. Too embarrassed to tell anyone, I agreed to meet him in the hope I could reason with him, but all he did was try to persuade me to get back together.
“I was terrified of the pictures and video getting out, so I went to the police. But, while revenge porn was made a sexual offence in 2015, making threats to release explicit content isn’t illegal, so there was nothing they could do. I felt helpless.
“Less than two weeks after the threats began, in December 2017, my worst nightmare came true. A girl at work grabbed me and showed me a WhatsApp message she’d been sent. My ex had circulated the video and images and my world crashed down. My colleagues, parents, friends, friends of friends, managers and so many more received them. I remember looking around the office and I could tell who’d got them from
the way they looked at me. I drove straight to the police station, in a blur.
“While I was at the police station, he left me a voicemail threatening to kill me and I played it to the police in full. He was then arrested.”
DARK PLACES
Sarah’s ex was charged with 11 offences, including two counts of circulating intimate photos with the intent to cause distress.
Sarah said, “I felt a mix of emotions – I was terrified, but also disgusted that the man I’d planned to marry had turned out to be a monster.
“The investigation lasted for 12 months and the lead detective was amazing. He was calm and non-judgmental, reassuring me he hadn’t seen the images and wouldn’t need to. He was one of many people who helped me get through it.
“And I was incredibly lucky. My friends, family, colleagues and employees were all very supportive. No one judged me – they looked after me and reassured me that it was all a reflection on him and not me. My work even set up counselling for me.
“However, I went to some dark places. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I felt so humiliated and was convinced when I went out that people were staring at me as they’d seen the videos. I’ve never felt so exposed and vulnerable.
“It took months to get back to anything approaching normality. My recovery was helped by Folami Prehaye, who runs the support group Victims of Image Crime (VOIC). She experienced the same and knew exactly how I was feeling.
“At the end of 2018, I met my current boyfriend when I was out with a friend. He has been brilliant, too. He understands my trust issues and was happy to take things slowly.
“In October 2020, the case went to court, having been adjourned for a year while my ex tried to get evidence for his defence. But two weeks before the trial, he pleaded guilty.
“That was a turning point. I went to court and read out my impact statement – I had tears in my eyes and I wouldn’t look at him while I spoke.
“But after speaking about my experience, I realised I wanted to speak out to help others come forward. I wanted to do something positive after such an awful experience. I know how small and lonely I felt and I want people to know you can get through it.
“But there’s more that can be done to help victims. Police should have more training and the threat of sharing sexual images should be a crime, too.
“I’ve found speaking out about my experience to be cathartic and it has helped me on my journey to recovery. My anxiety is finally easing and I
feel positive about my future.
“What my ex did to me was sexually abusive. He tried to destroy me. Hundreds of people saw intimate pictures and film of me without my consent. It was devastating, but he didn’t succeed in destroying me, thanks to the support I had.”
❛ I WAS TERRIFIED, BUT ALSO DISGUSTED THAT THE MAN I’D PLANNED TO MARRY HAD TURNED
OUT TO BE A MONSTER ❜