HOW TO AGREE ON HOUSE RULES

You may see one thing as hugely important when it comes to family rules, while your partner regards it as no big deal – and vice versa – so here’s how to work out what’s best for your family

We all have varying ideas around discipline, so we can easily criticise the other parent, but we need to stop judging and start listening. Typically, we either do what was done to us as kids, or we do it completely differently. We’re also taking in influences from other parents, the media, culture, religion and changing times – children who grew up in the ’80s and ’90s may have got a smacked bottom, but that’s very controversial now, for example. People say, “It didn’t do me any harm”, but I would ask, “Did it do you any good?” I don’t agree with smacking, because I don’t feel it’s effective and it can be confusing that we teach children not to hit, to be kind and to not lose control in moments of frustration, yet we do that with them.

My husband and I are typically aligned, but we have had to work through differences. I favour strict bedtime routines with lights off at 7.30pm, but my husband comes from Italy, where often routine isn’t such a big thing; children have a siesta in the afternoon and go out late into the evening to socialise and eat with the family. We had to compromise, so when we’re in Italy, we live in a more Italian way, and in the UK we lean more into routines. Similarly, my husband is big on nutrition – he likes a Mediterranean diet with no unprocessed food, so I respect that.

Talk about your parenting styles (I have a whole plan on therelationshipplace.co.uk), and what is and isn’t important to you. Listen and understand, then come up with your plan. Work out what your expectations are, and what the consequences will be when boundaries are crossed. Be a team, otherwise your children can be confused, and can play you off against each other. If you disagree on something, ask where there is a compromise to be found. Also ask friends, teachers and look at the NSPCC and Childline websites. Educate yourself, particularly if your children are neurodiverse or have complex needs.

If you feel your partner is too soft, talk about it. It’s not fair to be good cop, bad cop. If one parent is more the disciplinarian, they need to also do the fun stuff and give out rewards. If you feel your partner is being too harsh, talk about that too. Ask where that came from and if they could handle it differently. As adults we also need to manage our reactions, expectations and behaviours.