Dear Honey,

Going through a whole lot of heartache and pain over the past 35 years now all seems worthwhile because I get to pass every inch of advice over to you. Of course, I promise not to preach too much, and leave necessary gaps so that you can find your own path, and make mistakes as well as your own decisions. The first nugget I need to pass on is this: through sadness, pain and darkness comes light. It is always there if you look hard enough. This letter is a big chink of light that has come from many bumpy roads and tear-stained jumper sleeves. And whenever you think you have taken the wrong turn in life, just remember the light will be there in the form of a lesson or a new route. My life has been a trail of falling dominoes that split off in many different tangents at high speed. Since you swam up to greet me in the birthing pool on a sunny September morning, I’ve set off on another road altogether and the dominoes are now tumbling a lot slower.

Friendship

The first portion of life I want to cover might just be the most important. Your pack, your gang, your crocheted blanket of arms who will catch you when you fall. You are yet to find your own like-minded souls, but when you do, cherish them. They will always be there, even when they’re not physically there, and will whisper what you need to hear rather than what you want.

I feel insanely lucky to have gathered a collection of people in my life who have made me who I am and bring out my best bits. Don’t suffer anything less than this. People who bring out the worst in you need not stick around.

At secondary school I made friends with a strong female pack of seven who remain my foundation. We drank cider in the park, nervously chewed pens during our GCSEs, and left school loaded with dreams and high hopes. I may not see these girls every week, but when I do, we click back into our shared history in a nanosecond.

We grew up in limbo-land suburbia and our fun came in the form of boys and an under-16 disco called Pulse. Being together still unleashes bellyaching laughter at the memories.

Later in life, some special individuals made an appearance too and impacted my story with a glorious thud. There is Kye, my close friend since the age of 12; Clare, who I met in my twenties but has the most empathetic ear I’ve come across; Heidi, who constantly inspires me; Gok [Wan], who is the most loyal lion you’ll meet, and my dear Lolly.

Lolly and I have been through it all together and that bond of friendship

holds my sanity together in stressful times. When I was having a rough time before I met your dad [Reef guitarist Jesse Wood], we whizzed off on a girls’ holiday – the best cure for all types of heartache. We drank margaritas, laughed until we fell over (crashing into the bed and tearing down its overhead canopy) and took stock. This life-changing trip led me into the next phase of my life where I met my husband and had you and your brother, Rex. Always grab adventure by the hand and take a special someone along for the ride. You won’t regret it.

Body

The next thing I want to tell you is that you are beautiful. Of course, as your mother, I think this, but you should be reminded of it at all times. Beauty cannot be defined by the shape of your nose or a twinkle in your eye, it comes from within.

I feel so lucky that when I was young I didn’t have the pressure to conform to pop culture or social media, and I worry for you and your friends growing up with such awareness of what is on the outside.

In my teens, I had little concern for people’s opinions of me or how I looked, but then, as my twenties crept in, a sense of ‘not belonging’ suffocated my every breath. I started work very young, aged just 15, as a presenter on a TV show called The Disney Club, which meant I was exposed to new people from all walks of life very early on. At times I felt out of my depth and highly uncomfortable. Solace was found in the form of dressing up as if I was someone else. I dyed my hair red, then black, and then cut it all off. I also wore baggy clothing to hide my body. I didn’t know who I was or who I was supposed to be any more. My body felt too boyish and muscular to be attractive and too narrow yet squidgy to be taken seriously. Was I an adult or could everyone tell I still felt like an awkward teenager?

I dressed in a way that I thought would help make me seem interesting to others because I felt far too dull to just be me. But you should never underestimate your own unique qualities. They won’t be boring to others if you show them off with confidence. Trying to be someone else is the most transparent illusion of all. Be proud to be you. Now in my thirties I am very happy in my own skin. If someone thinks I am boring, so be it. Others won’t and I’ll connect with them instead.

Love

Talking of being you, let’s chat about men, or women, or whoever you fall in love with. It doesn’t matter what walk of life they come from, what they look like, or what job they have, but they must love you wholeheartedly. There can be no exception to that.

You should never have to put up with someone who tries to change you. I once dated someone who asked me not to have any more tattoos, which, as you can imagine, made me instantly go out and get a massive one inked on my back. He wasn’t happy, and I couldn’t understand it because it was my body. Women have come way too far in the world for that sort of submission.

Along the way, you will date partners like this, who will act as good stepping stones. They will teach you lessons about yourself, and then spin you round to face another direction, ›

“Trying to be someone else is the most transparent illusion of all”

which might just be the path that leads you to the person you’re meant to be with.

Looking back, I have been thrown big lumps of heartache to digest and have processed them in many different ways. Sometimes I have shut myself off from the world and wallowed in sad music and darkened rooms, while on other occasions I have gone out partying to shake away all of the pain. I would suggest somewhere in the middle of the two. Let the pain slip away at a natural speed. And don’t fasttrack into party mode too soon because you could find yourself alone, drunk and a bit lost, as I have many times over the years.

I’m very content now though. Married life to your dad is gorgeous. I have found my soulmate and a very lovely one at that. You’re a lucky little lady having him as your Pops. He is kind, caring, open, honest and very funny. He also came along with your amazing brother Arthur and dreamy sister Lola who adore you. Yes, he leaves his pants on the bathroom floor and the cupboards open after he has made a cup of tea, but hey, that’s marriage. No set-up will ever be perfect because life is not supposed to be that way. Speak openly to your partner and always listen. Love them with every inch of your heart, but only if they shower you in the same. Find someone who makes your heart sing and illuminates all your best bits.

Career

I often sit and wonder what you’ll be when you grow up and I can’t wait to watch you doing something you love.

I’d say this is the most important incentive for you to hold close. Don’t follow the crowd or just worry about the end goal. It’s the route you take that’s the fun bit. At school, the careers adviser laughed when I said I wanted to act and told me to work in a school.

I have the utmost respect for teachers, but it was not for me. I look back and admire my own guts and determination for ploughing on past this advice. I went to a lot of auditions in my early teens and dealing with rejection at that age wasn’t easy. It still isn’t at 35. Maybe it’s even worse now. But when I was younger, I was so passionate and determined to prove myself, I would pick myself up quickly and take a run at the next hurdle.

I got my foot in the showbiz door after a series of auditions for The

Disney Club. I loved every second of working on that show and feel lucky I got to learn so much so quickly, as well as making a friend for life, Mr Reggie Yates. He is pretty much family to me.

If I’m honest, I still don’t feel I’ve reached my full potential, but that’s the fun of it. Don’t rush to complete all your goals or expect to feel a sense of euphoria when you get there. That’s the beginning of a new list of hopes, so try to enjoy the ride along the way.

Be bold, be brave and follow your heart. You will know all the answers if you just allow your head to be quiet enough to hear them. Whatever you want to do in life, I’ll be there to support you and help you on your way.

One last thing. Have fun. Life whizzes along at such a pace that you shouldn’t take anything too seriously.

Oh, and always call your mother.

Love you, Mum Happy by Fearne Cotton is out now

“Be bold, be brave and follow your heart”