COSMOPOLITAN CONTRACT The poolside ◆

This is an agreement made by A Woman Trying To Chill By The Hotel Pool, _________________ (hereafter referred to as the Lounger)

1 THE STAKEOUT

Despite rising at a time that, on holiday, basically constitutes dawn (9.30am), the Lounger will be outraged to discover every sunlounger is taken. Her fellow guests apparently get up at actual dawn. Disgruntled, she will station herself on a chair and spend the next hour glaring huffily, towel in hand, ready to run the moment one of the lounger leeches looks like they might slink off to get chips.

2 THE HEADSPACE

In an attempt to claw back some glamour, the Lounger will put on a massive floppy-brimmed hat. So chic! So great for avoiding heat stroke! Despite all her best efforts, it will have got mangled in the overhead lockers on the plane, and will now look a bit like an Amish bonnet. The Lounger will keep it on for seven minutes maximum before taking it off because it makes her scalp sweat.

3 THE COSTUME DRAMA

The cut-out high-leg swimsuit that looked so Kylie Jenner in her hotel room will turn out to be a massive error. The Lounger tries to hoist herself out of the water, but ends up sprawled on her stomach at the edge of the pool with her arse in the air. She will then excuse herself to discreetly

yank her wedgie out behind a potted palm tree.

4 THE MAJOR SHADE

Sweet victory! Having finally claimed her white plastic throne of dreams, the Lounger will recline, order a second breakfast mojito (lime is a fruit) and indulge in the ultimate poolside activity: silently judging other people. This will include at least one leathery old

couple rubbing on oil like they think ‘melanoma’ is a fruity local liqueur, and a couple petting so heavily she doesn’t know whether to tut or fetch popcorn.

5 THE HUMBLE BRAG

After holding her phone at various angles so her legs look more like frankfurters than stubby chipolatas, the Lounger will take a #hotdogsorlegs photo, making sure to get her breakfast mojito in shot while cropping out the crane from the adjacent building works. She will increase the warmth and saturation filters by 80%, then, knowing full well how smug she appears, will caption it, “Ugh, Mondays,” or, “Yeah, I suppose this will do.” Casual.

6 THE BIG CHILL

After weeks of telling everyone how desperate she was to disconnect from social media and spend her holiday lost in critically acclaimed novels, the Lounger will instead spend an hour and a half rinsing her data roaming on Insta Stories, read the same page of Elena Ferrante three times and then have a nap.

7 THE SUNDOWN COMEDOWN

The Lounger will wake up several hours later to pumping Euro trance music and find she’s in the middle of an aqua aerobics session for the over-sixties. She will peel herself from her sunlounger to discover she’s now half-woman, half-roast gammon. She will retreat to lie in her room with the curtains closed and air con on, while another huffy tourist claims her sunlounger in the great poolside circle of life.

Signed: ____________________________ (The Lounger)