COSMOPOLITAN CONTRACT The minibreak
This is an agreement made by A Woman On Her First Romantic Weekend Away With
1 THE PACKING
Under the spell of romantic expectation, the Minibreaker will forget all items she actually needs for three days of hardcore tourism (comfortable shoes, light layers, maybe a bumbag) and, instead, pack four slip dresses, three pairs of heels and some very pretty bras that, when worn for a period longer than foreplay, result in uniboob/back pinching. At some point, the Minibreaker will remove one of these through her sleeve in a public toilet.
2 THE VOYAGE
The Minibreaker will try to maintain the allure of a laid-back traveller while simultaneously making sure that everything goes completely perfectly at all times. This will include saying things like, “Sure, why not have an 8am pint?” and,“It’s fine, I expect the prawns are meant to be warm!” On arrival at the hotel, the Minibreaker will pretend to get excited by the view, while actually panicking about where and how quietly she will be able to poo.
3 THE CULTURE TRIP
Determined not to spend the whole weekend just having sex and watching Euro telly in the hotel, the Minibreaker will march them through exciting cultural activities, such as queuing for an hour to buy a pastry, or looking at a broken bit of old wall. Because it is the law that everyone must become an art connoisseur on holiday, she’ll aim to impress her new lover by doing a special, slow museum walk, and standing extra close to paintings, frowning.
4 THE HIDDEN GEM
The Minibreakers will venture out for dinner at the casual hour of 9.30pm, hoping to stumble across a small, quaint candlelit bistro with amazing food that, magically, nobody else knows about. After two hours of tramping around trying to find anywhere half-decent with a table, they will end up hangry and tense in the continental version of Pizza Express.
5 THE BIG FILTER
Wanting at least one casually loved-up photo of her and her significant other against a charming background (a rustic greengrocer or a wall with ‘cute’ graffiti will do), the Minibreaker will hand her phone to a nice-looking elderly couple. The resulting blurry snaps of just her arm will make the Minibreaker wish she had a selfie stick.
6 OFF THE BEATEN TRACK
On the final day, the Minibreaker will find herself torn between the prospect of more morning sex and really getting her money’s worth from the breakfast buffet. She will choose the latter. They will then ‘make the most’ of the time before their flight on a detour through an ‘up-and-coming’ area… which will be an empty industrial estate. She will then rinse her data roaming to get them back to civilisation before they miss their shuttle bus.
7 THE HOMECOMING
They will arrive at the airport with 20 minutes to spare, sweaty and not speaking, to discover their flight has been delayed by three hours. These will be spent in duty free trying to choose between a decorative bottle of limoncello for €18, or a giant Toblerone. In the end, the Minibreaker will bring home a more traditional souvenir: cystitis.
Her New Partner, Signed: (hereafter referred to as the Minibreaker)