COS­MOPOLI­TAN CON­TRACT The mini­break

This is an agree­ment made by A Woman On Her First Ro­man­tic Week­end Away With

Cosmopolitan (UK) - - Contents -

1 THE PACK­ING

Un­der the spell of ro­man­tic ex­pec­ta­tion, the Mini­breaker will for­get all items she ac­tu­ally needs for three days of hard­core tourism (com­fort­able shoes, light lay­ers, maybe a bum­bag) and, in­stead, pack four slip dresses, three pairs of heels and some very pretty bras that, when worn for a pe­riod longer than fore­play, re­sult in uni­boob/back pinch­ing. At some point, the Mini­breaker will re­move one of th­ese through her sleeve in a pub­lic toi­let.

2 THE VOY­AGE

The Mini­breaker will try to main­tain the al­lure of a laid-back trav­eller while si­mul­ta­ne­ously mak­ing sure that ev­ery­thing goes com­pletely per­fectly at all times. This will in­clude say­ing things like, “Sure, why not have an 8am pint?” and,“It’s fine, I ex­pect the prawns are meant to be warm!” On ar­rival at the ho­tel, the Mini­breaker will pre­tend to get ex­cited by the view, while ac­tu­ally pan­ick­ing about where and how qui­etly she will be able to poo.

3 THE CUL­TURE TRIP

De­ter­mined not to spend the whole week­end just hav­ing sex and watch­ing Euro telly in the ho­tel, the Mini­breaker will march them through ex­cit­ing cul­tural ac­tiv­i­ties, such as queu­ing for an hour to buy a pas­try, or look­ing at a bro­ken bit of old wall. Be­cause it is the law that ev­ery­one must be­come an art con­nois­seur on hol­i­day, she’ll aim to im­press her new lover by do­ing a spe­cial, slow mu­seum walk, and stand­ing ex­tra close to paint­ings, frown­ing.

4 THE HID­DEN GEM

The Mini­break­ers will ven­ture out for din­ner at the ca­sual hour of 9.30pm, hop­ing to stum­ble across a small, quaint can­dlelit bistro with amaz­ing food that, mag­i­cally, no­body else knows about. Af­ter two hours of tramp­ing around try­ing to find any­where half-de­cent with a ta­ble, they will end up hangry and tense in the con­ti­nen­tal ver­sion of Pizza Ex­press.

5 THE BIG FIL­TER

Want­ing at least one ca­su­ally loved-up photo of her and her sig­nif­i­cant other against a charm­ing back­ground (a rus­tic green­gro­cer or a wall with ‘cute’ graf­fiti will do), the Mini­breaker will hand her phone to a nice-look­ing el­derly cou­ple. The re­sult­ing blurry snaps of just her arm will make the Mini­breaker wish she had a selfie stick.

6 OFF THE BEATEN TRACK

On the fi­nal day, the Mini­breaker will find her­self torn be­tween the prospect of more morn­ing sex and re­ally get­ting her money’s worth from the break­fast buf­fet. She will choose the lat­ter. They will then ‘make the most’ of the time be­fore their flight on a de­tour through an ‘up-and-com­ing’ area… which will be an empty in­dus­trial es­tate. She will then rinse her data roam­ing to get them back to civil­i­sa­tion be­fore they miss their shut­tle bus.

7 THE HOME­COM­ING

They will ar­rive at the air­port with 20 min­utes to spare, sweaty and not speak­ing, to dis­cover their flight has been de­layed by three hours. Th­ese will be spent in duty free try­ing to choose be­tween a dec­o­ra­tive bot­tle of limon­cello for €18, or a gi­ant Toblerone. In the end, the Mini­breaker will bring home a more tra­di­tional sou­venir: cys­ti­tis.

Her New Part­ner, Signed: (here­after re­ferred to as the Mini­breaker)

(the Mini­breaker)

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