THE COMPASS

Pointing you in the right cultural direction this month

This month’s cultural ups and downs

BLINGING KNITWEAR

This bedazzled McQueen beauty can be yours for [insert annual wages], or make a dupe with a charity-shop knit and vintage brooches.

JOURNEY’S END

Not for the faint-hearted, this cinematic redo of the famous WW1 play includes Hollywood heavyweights Sam Claflin and Paul Bettany. Warning: existential crisis unavoidable.*

LAZY-GIRL EYES

Adieu to hours of mirror angst trying to make your eyeliner flicks match. “Thumbprint” liner is an easier on-trend option, here to free up your mornings.

BOXSET DATING

App Net fling pairs you with dates according to your Netflix preferences. Finally, a shortcut to finding someone who’s as into For The Love Of Spock as you are.

CHARITY TO THE MAXX

Donate your wardrobe cast-offs to TK Maxx’s Give Up Clothes For Good campaign and raise money to help beat child cancers. Michelle Dockery is also on board.**

POTTER MANIA

Remember when Pokémon Go got so out of hand that an online death tracker appeared? Well, get ready: a Harry Potter follow-up is set to hit phones (and hospitals) later this year.

MINTY FINGERS

Great for breath-freshening, but not for use within 50ft of another human. These Melo iKo disposable toothbrushes (£5.99) squeak like a hamster on speed.

FUGLY SHOES

OK, we get it, ugly trainers are cool again, it’s fashion. But these £595 Balenciaga platform-trainer creatures are one step too far.

PUSSY WATCH

The Analog Watch Company makes watches out of your pet’s hair. Just send them 4oz of fur and around £150. High price to pay for a hairier wrist.

GENITAL HOMEWARE

Yes, we’re into interiors but does anybody really want vulva slippers, butt lamps or a penis vase? And if you do, what will you say when your mum pops round with a bunch of daffs?