COSMOPOLITAN CONTRACT The charity 10k run
This is an agreement made by A Person Doing A Charity 10k Race, __________________ (hereafter referred to as The Runner)
1 WARMING UP
If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail, so The Runner will waste no time getting started on the essential training for her forthcoming race. This will include creating the ultimate running playlist, downloading 50 hours of motivational podcasts and cross-referencing every online review of a sports bra written since 2014, before buying the second cheapest one in Sports Direct.
2 FUN-RAISING
The Runner will create a Just Giving page and send it round to her friends and family with a breezy message saying all sponsorship would be very welcome, but they must get hundreds of these so they shouldn’t feel any pressure to donate. They will not. A week later she will add an emotional back story to drum up more support. “Many of you will know this cause is very close to my heart,” she will write, leaving out her real reason for signing up: the hot guy from the post room is also taking part.
3 ON YOUR MARKS! GET SET!
Deciding that she is ready to move onto the next phase of training – actual running – The Runner will take herself out for a jog round the block, followed by 30 minutes of stretching, a bath and a nap. This will be The Runner’s routine for the next two months, except for when she skips straight to the bath. Rest days are important.
4 NO, BUT REALLY
The Runner will suddenly realise that the 10k is only a few weeks away, and so far the furthest she has run is 5k with a break in the middle to Instagram a squirrel. She will step up her efforts. This will involve, but is not limited to: finally going to Parkrun, finally saying yes to that eager colleague who wants a lunchtime-run buddy, and finally discovering how weird it feels to have a shower at the office. The Runner will start showing her blisters to people in the pub.
5 ACTUALLY DOING THIS
On the start line, The Runner will feel full of positivity and love. She will tell everyone she doesn’t care what her time is, as long as she finishes. The Runner will get confused about starting groups and end up at the back with two adorable seventysomething grandmas. But at least, she will think, they’ll make her feel fast! The Runner will be overtaken by the adorable grandmas at around 2km, and swear at them quietly.
6 A RUNNING JOKE
At 6km The Runner will begin to chafe in places she didn’t know could chafe. At 7km she will throw a whole cup of water in her face while trying to drink it. At 8km she will become seriously worried about ‘doing a Paula Radcliffe.’ At 9.5km a random person in the crowd will cheer her name and she will be so overwhelmed she will burst into tears. Eventually, The Runner will stagger over the finish line, her arms outstretched like an Olympian. When it turns out her supporters have given up and gone to the refreshment tent, she will hug a steward instead.
7 ALL RUN OUT
The Runner will insist on going out for a huge lunch. She will order everything on the menu, plus a side of chips, and yell “I JUST RAN 10K” if anybody questions it. This continues for four days. Eventually someone will suggest that while it’s fine to keep her medal on for as long as she likes, now might be time to ditch the foil blanket.