WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT LOVE…

from loss

Broken ri bs led me to Hannah in 2004. It hurt to move, to laugh even, so at house parties I’d station myself on the sofa. Hannah flopped down beside me, saying she needed a break from the crowd after a rough day. Six hours on, neither of us had moved. I could barely feel my ribs any more. A few days later, we had our first date.

Hannah’s phone rang non-stop. She had time for everybody – as well as working part-time as a model and studying for a degree, she passionately raised money for cancer charities. She even persuaded me to do my first marathon, dragging me outside on grey mornings.

Then one day, many training sessions later, when we’d been together for two years, the phone rang. It was Hannah’s mum. She told me that while walking home the previous night, Hannah had been hit by a drunk driver. There was nothing the doctors could do. She’d passed away at just 20 years old.

During those early months, I had moments where I couldn’t see the point in leaving my bedroom. I’d swing from sadness to anger, furious at the driver and how cruel the world was. It ate me up. The first time I kissed another girl, I cried later in the nightclub bathroom – I’d thought that, after a year, I was ready, but I wasn’t. People said life would get better, but even five years later, it was only better to an extent – I’d simply learned to live with the grief.

I took comfort in knowing that before Hannah’s death, she knew just how much I loved her – I told her all the time. I began raising money for charities in her memory, running from Paris to London and setting up my own organisation, Inspired4Life. When I felt ready to date again, I met up with women outside my circle, waiting a few weeks before bringing up my relationship history. It was never easy, and my past was often a bigger problem for them than for me – some felt as if they were competing with Hannah’s memory.

Speaking to a divorced friend led me to an epiphany. I was – in my own strange way – going through a break-up, too. And, like my friend, I had to move on. It was painful, but I had to let the relationship go. As much as we had been in love, Hannah and I would never be together again and keeping the idea alive in my head wasn’t doing me any good. I let new thoughts in: “There are more than seven billion people in the world, so there must be others who could make you just as happy, but you won’t know until you try. Really try.”

I met Sara through mutual friends in 2016, and everything changed. I can’t pinpoint why, but with her, it just feels right. We got married last summer and I’ve never felt so fulfilled in life or in love. Hannah’s death gave me a greater sense of perspective – Sara and I argue, of course, but I always try not to hold a grudge. I relish the small moments, like cooking together or cuddling in front of the TV, knowing that life really can change in an instant.

Kaveh is raising money for cancer charities by completing a punchbag challenge. Visit Inspired4life.org/ 1millionstrikes for information

“I told her how much I loved her all the time”