Life in my body...

with seasonal affective disorder

For Janine Kasischke, 32, an administrator, the onset of winter severely impacts her mental health

it would happen like clockwork every year as the days grew shorter: I would start to feel miserable. I’d fall into a cycle of bad thoughts, ruminating endlessly. I’d struggled with anxiety and depression since my early teens, so thought my symptoms (loss of energy, tiredness, low mood) were a sign I was relapsing. But as the years went on I began to feel there was something else going undiagnosed. I was doing everything my doctors told me to

– taking my medication, reading self-help books, going to therapy – so why did it feel like I hit a wall every winter? I was miserable, exhausted and worried – and it felt like it was my fault.

Eventually, in my early twenties, one GP asked if I’d heard of seasonal affective disorder (SAD). He’d noticed in my records that I suffered in the same way at the same time every year. He told me that decreased daylight can cause a flare-up of depressive symptoms.

I was amazed that something as simple as a change in the seasons was causing so many problems.

SAD is more well-known now, but there still isn’t much awareness.

Often people assume you’re just down because it’s grey and rainy outside. They don’t appreciate how allencompassing it is – that your mind is so dark all the time; that if it catches you when you don’t feel strong, it can take over. That’s what happened two years ago: I was at my lowest, totally overwhelmed, and I couldn’t understand how other people functioned.

So when my GP suggested light therapy (an NHS-recognised treatment for SAD)

I was sceptical. But I was willing to try anything, so I rented a SAD lamp online. It only took a couple of days to notice a difference. I felt much more alert and it was instantly easier to get out of bed in the mornings.

We don’t know what causes certain people to be susceptible to SAD, but we know light plays a significant role in regulating the part of your brain that controls sleep, mood and activity, and that some people need more than others. This is why the lamp helps, but it doesn’t erase all symptoms so I have coping strategies. I save up holiday at work so I can take time off in winter to recuperate. In the summer I’m out in nature as much as I can be, and in winter I get up early to get maximum daylight. I also bought an alarm clock with a sunlight simulator, which wakes me up every day. When that turns off, I switch on my SAD lamp.

Each year as I start to struggle a friend resends me messages I’d sent her when the seasons changed the year before. It reminds me I’ve been here before, I’ll be here again, but I’ll always get through it.