Ask me anything
Russell Howard revs up for his world tour with a comedy roasting from Cosmopolitan
What was your most ill-timed joke?
At a wedding, the vicar said, “These two are dentists and love is a lot like dentistry. It’s vital to have…” Then he paused, so
I shouted, “Listerine?” My wife jabbed me in the ribs, but what was he on about? F*cking love is like dentistry. What, painful and costs money?
What’s been your worst on-stage experience?
Someone threw a sex toy at me at a gig in Romford. She hated me so much she threw the one thing in her bag that would bring her pleasure. I had a dildo-shaped mark on my face.
Name the most legendary celebrity that follows you on social media.
Cher. Ages ago I lost my dog and she tweeted, “Can somebody help him find his dog?” It was lovely. It turned out my dog was in the bathroom. I’d accidentally shut the door with him in there.
What’s the strangest thing about being famous?
The disappointment on people’s faces when they look into your shopping trolley. They’re like, “What have you got?” And it’s Weetabix, so they go, “That’s not funny,” and you have this row about not having quirky enough foods. I’ve got to get two tangerines and a banana just for a laugh.
Tell us your weirdest travel story.
I was on a safari and there were lions that could walk you to the camp. I said, “Surely they’re going to eat us?” The guy replied, “No, they hate the smell of humans because you shower.” I thought it was such bullsh*t. Like some lion’s going to go, “Jo Malone, eww, no. Imperial Leather? No, thank you!” I still put Toilet Duck outside the tent.
What’s your most beloved curse word?
That’s like asking a wizard which is his favourite wand. You know when you see a family with six kids? I’m looking at little F*ck, and staring at sweet, darling C**t, and let’s not forget W*nker and Sh*t. They’re all special, they’re all equal, and mean so much to me.
What will your epitaph say?
“He tried.” I’m terrified of death; it’s the only reason I go to the gym. I want to live forever. I’ve never got over that childhood fear.
What’s the most embarrassing thing your mum has done?
We were in a traffic jam and someone asked for my autograph. As I was doing it, Mum started shouting, “Help! He’s kidnapped me!” She wouldn’t stop. When I asked why she did it, she said, “I’m 60 and I don’t give a f*ck.”
The Russell Howard Hour, 10pm, Thursdays, Sky One. Russell’s stand-up show, Respite, comes to London and Bristol in 2020; Russell-howard.co.uk