I tried the new trend that’s all about not chasing an orgasm
Karezza is a slow and gentle way of having sex that claims to deepen connections. Intrigued? So was Krista McHarden...
My boyfriend and I enjoy a fairly – ahem – acrobatic sex life. We’ve done it in cars, on planes, trains, and even boats. We screw like adult-film actors auditioning for the biggest roles of our lives and we love it.
So when I heard that karezza – a tantralike sex practice that’s all about gentle and slow touch – was having a renaissance, I was more than a little dubious. An affectionate, unrushed style of sex that emphasises connection and mutual pleasure over orgasms, karezza comes from the Italian word “carezza” (a caress). Although the concept has been around since at least 1844 and is well-known in sex educator circles, it’s starting to enter the average person’s bedroom (ie mine).
And it treats orgasms as a delightful bonus instead of the main event or end goal.
Now, I’m not the kind of person who likes to stare deeply into my partner’s eyes and gently weep as I climax, but I do need breaks from my strenuous sex life, and I’m interested to see if it will help us connect on a deeper level. Plus, if it’s the way to go full Spice Girls 2 Become 1, then who am I to not try slowing things down?
HOW IT WORKS
“Karezza movements are typically very slow so as not to build towards orgasm,” says Laurel Steinberg, PhD, a clinical sexologist and psychotherapist. “Instead, caressing, holding and rubbing are the goals.” It’s not about the ending, but the journey. Penetrative sex might still be the finale, but this is all about the build-up. “Outercourse”, if you will. The payoff? Next-level feels.
As sex researcher Michelle McGeough points out, “Our digitally overstimulated lives have caused many of us to lose connection with the deeper parts of ourselves.” By making time to love each other slowly, you can get back in tune with your partner… and your own body, too.
TAKE IT SLOW
My boyfriend and I set aside a Saturday night to turn on The Weeknd, dim the lights and try karezza out. We stood facing each other and made a pact not to laugh, no
matter how awkward we felt. Then we spent an hour, fully clothed, just kissing and gently touching each other. Not hurrying was tough at first. But feeling him get hard through his trousers, then be unable to do anything about it was frustrating in the best way. We gave each other foot massages – which I thought would gross me out, but I was so worked up by that point that just the sight of his bare skin turned me on.
Gradually undressing each other, we broke eye contact only to locate the necessary buttons and zips. For the first time in ages, we got to really look at each other. This drove me wild – I just wanted to grab him and feel him slide into me.
Once we were fully naked, we explored each other’s bodies with just our lips and fingers. And he spent 10 heavenly minutes with his head between my legs. We kissed some more, taking short breaks to cuddle and stare into each other’s eyes.
When we finally had penetrative sex in missionary (face-to-face for maximum eye contact), we were so horned up it lasted about one minute. We both climaxed almost immediately, which
I know isn’t the point. But with all the sexual tension and without the pressure to come, it just happened.
Afterwards, we held each other and agreed it was the most intense sexual experience we’d ever had.
THE KAREZZA COMEDOWN
After reflecting on the experience, I have a few thoughts. First: kissing is the best! I felt like a teenager again. Second: all that intense eye contact made me realise that I don’t often truly look at my boyfriend. It made me remember how much I love him. If you could bottle that feeling, you’d be Elon Musk-level rich.
That said, karezza probably isn’t the best move on a casual Tuesday night. It’s a hot way to check in or reconnect if you’ve been apart, but it’s an undeniable time drain. My boyfriend agreed, but said he loved how close we felt after. It won’t become a nightly occurrence, but I’ll be adding karezza into our sexual repertoire from now on.