The compatibility MYTH

Could our misunderstanding of this one concept be responsible for the downfall of so many modern relationships, asks Paisley Gilmour?

For anyone hoping to find a long-term partner, compatibility is a familiar concept. From date one you search for clues as to whether this person is “right” for you – someone who likes the same obscure films, also spends their weekends hiking in the countryside, has the same political leanings and who could give you a run for your money as life and soul of the party. It’s been drilled into us that “The One” exists; that there’s one person out there who can fulfill our every need, tick every box and be our best mate, lover and co-parent. And how will we know when we’ve met this person? We’ll just know because we’ll feel undeniable “chemistry”. But these assumptions about what constitutes romantic compatibility might not be the best basis upon which to decide whether a relationship gets the green light. They’re based on tired old myths and a (monogamous) relationship model we’ve been sold since the dawn of time by romantic comedies and love songs.

With so many of us never making it to a second date, and the number of marriages gradually decreasing, could it be time to have a rethink about what romantic compatibility actually is?

MATCH MYTH 1

You need to have common interests

Liking the same things isn’t actually important for long-term compatibility. “Having the same interests can be

“We got on really well, but he’s vegan and doesn’t drink. And I just didn’t feel a spark, so it could never work,” my housemate said wearily after another unsuccessful first date. “We’re clearly not compatible.”

superficial and boring,” says Geneviève Zawada-Gresset, a matchmaker on Channel 4’s Married At First Sight.

“If you’re in each other’s pockets all the time it can be suffocating,” she adds.

Simone Bose, a relationship counsellor for Relate, agrees that it’s healthy to have separate hobbies. “As long as there are one or two things you like doing together, having common interests really doesn’t matter,” she says. Compatibility is more about respecting each other’s passions and giving each other the space to enjoy them.

MATCH MYTH 2

You should be similar

Compatibility is often mistaken for similarity, but you can have different personalities and still be compatible. “You could be bubbly and your partner could be less sociable. That doesn’t matter as long as you complement and grow through each other – with them becoming a bit more sociable through you, and you learning to have quieter times,” Bose says. Ultimately, what matters is being your authentic self. “You must be accepted by your partner without them wanting to change you, and vice versa,” she adds. “If you feel self-conscious or stupid around them, or fear they’ll laugh at you, something’s not right.”

MATCH MYTH 3

You must share the same politics

No, you don’t need to see eye to eye on politics and religion (as long as you’re not clashing every time you talk about Brexit). Your basic, core values are what actually matter. “These include your ideas about family, how you live your life, what you spend your money on and how you treat people,” Bose explains. Zawada-Gresset adds that for true compatibility, your goals should also be aligned. “If you’ve got someone highly ambitious and somebody who’s not at all, that can be a turn-off. Your ambition levels have to match.”

MATCH MYTH 4

It’s all about the chemistry

It’s time for us to stop searching for “chemistry”. According to Dr Amir Levine, a neuroscientist, therapist and author of Attached, that so-called “spark” is just “a biological system based on attraction and not compatibility”. Furthermore, using chemistry to gauge whether or not someone is right for you longterm is “super risky”, according to Dr Meg-John Barker, an academic psychologist and author of The Psychology Of Sex. “For a while, those big chemical responses shut off fear, shame and difficult feelings. We have that ‘in love’ period, which feels safe and exciting. That’s partially because our survival responses are tuned right down,” they explain. It’s when that period ends that the issues arise. “It becomes a lust-led thing and doesn’t last,” Zawada-Gresset says. Attraction can grow over time, so that initial “spark” isn’t important. Instead, strong friendship is a solid base for healthy, long-term relationships.