Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

‘“We’ll see”– translation: “no”

DO you struggle to make it through the day without apologising to an inanimate object? Does someone queueing slightly to your side cause you dizzying levels of unease? Do you have an unhealthy obsession with the weather? If so, you’re demonstrating some of the main symptoms of an epidemic that’s sweeping the nation, a collection of irksome issues that I’ve just written a book, Very British Problems, about.

Indeed, VBP are so deeply and subtly ingrained in our psyches, it’s tricky even to make a diagnosis. These strange ticks, bizarre customs and double meanings (if a Briton ever tells you that they’re ‘fine, honestly’, run for the hills) are just something we’re doomed to suffer from forever.

One thing you can take comfort in, however, is that you’re not the only person who wakes in cold sweats at the nightmare of being invited to ‘say a bit about yourself’ or feels as if they have to keep walking at a ridiculously fast speed towards the horizon after passing someone on the pavement. Take comfort in the misfortune of others, you are not alone.

‘Locking yourself in the wardrobe until the window cleaner has finished and left