Coventry Telegraph

Every failure made me more obsessed with conceiving

NOW EXPECTING HER SECOND CHILD, IZZY JUDD OPENS UP TO GABRIELLE FAGAN ABOUT DEALING WITH FERTILITY PROBLEMS

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ONLY a few weeks away from the birth of her second baby, Izzy Judd, just like any expectant mother, is excitedly making preparatio­ns for the new arrival. But her journey to motherhood has been more tortured than most, and she reveals she nearly “lost herself” in the process.

“It feels like a miracle that I’m having a second baby when, for so long, I feared I’d never have a child at all. This time I’ve fallen pregnant naturally, which was beyond my wildest dreams,” says Izzy, who is married to McFly drummer and Strictly Come Dancing champion Harry Judd.

Their baby will be born in September, and the couple have a daughter, Lola, 19 months, born after IVF treatment.

The 33-year-old has bravely laid bare her three-year struggle for a family in her book, Dare To Dream, in a bid to help other would-be parents.

“I desperatel­y wanted to be a mother. I became obsessed with conceiving and every failure made me more obsessed. I wondered if somehow I was less of a woman if I couldn’t get pregnant. I ended up questionin­g my whole identity and almost losing myself,” she admits.

“Sometimes you get so lost [in it], you forget what you do have and how lucky you are. Panic sets in. I worried at one point it would affect our relationsh­ip – you can end up having sex, not because you want to, but because you need to because now is ‘the time’ you might conceive. Suddenly, there’s no fun, no joy, no flirting or romance left – it just becomes routine.”

Having husband Harry’s support was crucial throughout IVF and pregnancy, says Izzy.

The couple’s love for each other has kept them strong throughout, and she and Harry (“My amazing soulmate and best friend”) have managed to weather painful times and “dark days”.

They met in 2005 when Izzy played violin in the backing orchestra on McFly’s Wonderland tour. She later found her own fame playing with electronic string quartet, Escala, who reached the final of Britain’s Got Talent in 2008.

To the world, they seemed a golden celebrity couple who had everything, but 18 months after their marriage, and despite six hormone therapy treatments, Izzy still hadn’t conceived.

According to the NHS, it’s estimated that one in seven couples in the UK have difficulty conceiving. Izzy was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome, which can be a factor, and although her first IVF treatment worked, she was devastated when she suffered a miscarriag­e at just over six weeks in 2014.

Izzy believes a heartbreak­ing family event when she was 13 affected her chances of getting pregnant naturally. Her eldest brother, Rupert suffered brain damage in a car accident when he was 18 and the trauma left her with anxiety, which she still battles.

“Rupert’s accident brought our family huge sadness, which has never gone away. The theft of his life as it could have been – he was a very talented musician – has always been very hard,” she says quietly.

“The accident triggered a huge surge of anxiety in me and I became an adult very suddenly, but with no emotional maturity to deal with that. Over the years, my anxiety led to my being unable to relax because I felt I wouldn’t be in control and something bad might happen.

“When it comes to fertility, if you’re constantly in an anxious state, or in that heightened fight-orflight mode, your body won’t do what it needs to do to produce.”

The joy of having Lola has eased some of the pain.

Izzy says she will never forget the moment she and Harry went for their second round of IVF treatment, which resulted in Lola: “You’re in this sterile environmen­t and they show you on screen the embryo being released, which is very emotional and magical, and a beautiful side to IVF many people don’t know about.

“I’m not sure I’ll ever find peace with losing our first baby, but I believe its spirit lives on in Lola. She’s wonderful. Harry’s besotted with her and is a brilliant dad. She kisses my stomach when we ask her where the baby is and we can’t wait to introduce her to her sibling.

“I have learnt so much through what we’ve gone through – that you can’t control life, you must just trust it to unfold. You have to live it forwards and understand it backwards. Realising that has really helped calm my anxiety.”

At the moment Izzy’s uncertain whether they will add to their family. “Growing up I was always saying, ‘I want a big family’, but you never think you will have fertility problems,” she says.

“We still have one embryo in the freezer, which I like to think is there with its little hat on keeping cosy. I’m not sure how I would feel not going back to give that little life a chance, especially looking at Lola and seeing who she is.

“Even though it’s been very hard to become a mum, I wouldn’t change a thing because when I think back to the moment Lola was born, I know I would have waited forever for her.

“Now I’m so lucky to be expecting this second baby and just want to take each day as it comes, to live in the present, and appreciate every moment of what we have as a family. I know how precious it is.” Dare To Dream – My Struggle To Become A Mum – A Story Of Heartache And Hope by Izzy Judd is published by Bantam Press, priced £14.99.

 ??  ?? Izzy Judd with Lola and, left, with husband Harry while she was pregnant. Right, her book which she hopes will inspire other women in a similar situation
Izzy Judd with Lola and, left, with husband Harry while she was pregnant. Right, her book which she hopes will inspire other women in a similar situation

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