Already my children think the delivery

DOUBLE TROUBLE FOR A FIRST-TIME DAD OF TWINS

‘EVEN the dog knew its name after a couple of weeks’, I thought, as I looked at Emma, while she looked over my shoulder at a shiny saucepan.

Weeks and weeks of shouting ‘Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma’ at varying intensities had resulted in her ignoring me completely.

Maybe she wasn’t a people person or equipped enough mentally to acknowledge her genetic heritage.

Although at 11 weeks old, or six weeks, if we allow for her premature birth, my book on babies confidently told me she’d start smiling this week.

Quite how the book was so confident in the development of my child I wasn’t sure – but it did explain the 1p price.

Thomas was also studiously refusing to smile but he was going through a phase of colic so preferred to spend every waking hour in tears.

Although this wasn’t to stop me from embarking on a routine of personal humiliation in order to provoke a smile from anyone.

I was doing funny voices, funny faces, funny dances and numerous other funny things.

Unfortunately, not one of these actions was funny to Emma or Thomas. To be fair, they weren’t funny to anybody, more terrifying to those who caught sight of the spectacle.

Help was at hand in the form of Victoria’s friend Cecily, who had a baby a few years ago and was doing alright, so was the closest we had to a resident expert.

Cecily picked Emma up from her cot, sang to her, tickled her forehead and Emma smiled broadly.

Fair enough I thought, it’s a one off, until I caught her smiling at the delivery driver from my arms while I collected a parcel at the front door.