Rou­tine is good – I know ex­actly how much baby care I’m avoid­ing

DOU­BLE TROU­BLE FOR A FIRST-TIME DAD OF TWINS

Coventry Telegraph - - FAMILY MATTERS - Richard IRVINE

ROU­TINE is the bedrock of our ex­is­tence with the twins.

At any time dur­ing the day, we both know what they should be eat­ing, where they should be and if they should be asleep.

Sometimes, they at­tempt to over­turn this care­fully bal­anced timetable or Vic­to­ria changes the sched­ule and con­fuses me but most of the time they re­spect the rules.

You might be think­ing ‘what is this timetable?’ and, if you are, then you’re in luck be­cause I’m about to tell you in ex­cru­ci­at­ing de­tail.

5.30-6am: Emma wakes up and sings loudly for half an hour

be­fore fall­ing asleep again. 6am-6.50am: Thomas wakes up and gen­tly grum­bles about be­ing held cap­tive. 6.50am: Vic­to­ria and I spring joy­fully from bed af­ter a rest­ful night of qual­ity sleep. 6.50am-7am: We ex­change pleas­antries and en­gage in a pos­i­tive man­ner about my con­stant snor­ing, while chang­ing the twins’ nap­pies. 7am-7.15am: Empty dish­washer, tidy kitchen, load wash­ing ma­chine and pre­pare baby break­fast of for­mula milk and yo­gurt with fruit puree. 7.15am-7.45am: Feed­ing time. 7.50am: Off­spring moved to play­mat in liv­ing room. 8-8.30am: I get ready for my day of hard graft in the work­place and leave the house.

9.15am: Twins go for nap while Vic­to­ria gets ready and ti­dies up the gen­eral debris.

9.15-9.30am: Twins com­plain about be­ing in bed so soon af­ter get­ting up.

10.30am: Thomas and Emma ready to party so Vic­to­ria takes them out in their buggy.

Mid­day-1pm: A delicious lunch of healthy and fresh ingredients pureed into a mush.

1pm-3pm: Nap time for the twins and a chance for Vic­to­ria to pre­pare food, do some wash­ing, have lunch and ru­mi­nate on what her life used to be like.

3pm-4.30pm: It’s time for baby work­outs, sto­ries, rolling around on the floor (usu­ally Vic­to­ria).

4.30pm-5.45pm: I re­turn an emo­tion­ally ex­hausted shell of a man from my de­mand­ing job and gen­er­ously of­fer to help with Thomas and Emma. 5.45pm-6pm: Grumpy tired ba­bies make life dif­fi­cult for ev­ery­one in­volved.

6pm: For­mula milk feed­ing time fol­lowed swiftly by bed. 6-7.30pm: I pre­pare an evening meal while Vic­to­ria lies in a dark room and the twins com­plain loudly about go­ing to bed when it’s light. 7.30pm-10pm: A time to chat, re­lax and catch up on our day or spo­rad­i­cally fall asleep while watch­ing some­thing rub­bish on tele­vi­sion. It also gives Vic­to­ria vi­tal time to wash up the bot­tles and do more wash­ing. 10pm: Fi­nal for­mula milk feed, pos­si­ble nappy change. It’s a full day but pos­si­bly the hard­est chal­lenge I face is con­vinc­ing Vic­to­ria I haven’t got the bet­ter deal.

If the singing is bad, just wait for the first power chord

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