Richard IRVINE
DOUBLE TROUBLE FOR A FIRST-TIME DAD OF TWINS You’d think bullying couldn’t get worse than being compared to Mr Tumble...
“DADDY big tummy, daddy big tummy, daddy big tummy,” Emma whispered, while Victoria tried to stifle giggles.
I put my head around the corner of the kitchen and Emma, sensing she was on to a sure-fire way to garner attention, spoke confidently “daddy big tummy, daddy big tummy, daddy big tummy”.
Thomas wasn’t sure what was going on so decided the safest thing was to laugh at me.
By this point, Victoria was openly chuckling, and Emma was not letting an
opportunity like this slip away, so decided to loudly shout: “DADDY BIG TUMMY, DADDY BIG TUMMY, DADDY BIG TUMMY.”
This was the second bullying incident of the day.
At work, a little earlier, a colleague suggested I reminded them of Mr Tumble. For those who don’t know, he’s a very successful children’s TV entertainer with many positive factors, but not somebody I’d ever aspired to be.
The ‘daddy big tummy’ thing eventually ran its course. What confused me was where she’d got such a mocking insult.
After a little investigation, it transpired that the twins and Victoria had seen me removing a T-shirt from the dryer and swapping it for the one I was wearing, which was covered in various breakfast foods.
Unfortunately, I was not as hidden by the kitchen wall as I thought I was and Victoria had said to Emma, “we don’t want to see daddy’s big tummy”.
There are a few worrying issues here. The first is a general lack of respect for the male figure in the household. It’s certainly something I couldn’t imagine happening in the home of George Clooney, who also has
twins, but probably doesn’t get dressed in the kitchen and maybe has a smaller tummy.
Anyway, it’s both hurtful and disrespectful to witness such a conspiracy against me unfold.
The second more perturbing factor is the realisation nothing is sacred anymore. Gone are the days of speaking your mind in front of the twins for fear they repeat exactly what you said to Victoria’s mother, for example.
On the positive side, it’s opened a whole new world of entertainment in teaching them unusual catchphrases. ‘In it to Win it’, is a current favourite, and Thomas still has a rather convincing Kenneth Williams style ‘ooooohhhhh’ I taught him months ago. Emma has a Californian Kardashians style ‘Thhhannnkkk yoouuuuu’, and ‘Every Little Helps’, which I like to hear if we’re shopping. What next for the twins’ language development? I think it’s only fair we teach them the art of rhyming. ‘Mummy big tummy’ would be an excellent place to start.