Felix Lowe
It’s time for special guest Chris Froome* to reveal this year’s recipients of the coveted Cyclist Awards
It’s that time of year again, folks, when Eurosport’s Felix Lowe hands out the coveted Cyclist Awards. Only this year, he’s somehow managed to rope in Chris Froome as host…
‘Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, it’s a great honour to be here in the grand ballroom of Cyclist Towers to collect 2017’s Last Gasp Gong for my unprecedented Tour and Vuelta double. The only things I usually win at this time of year is the odd game of Monopoly against Michelle, a contrived criterium or a bumper new contract!
‘But seriously, what a special year it has been for me – winning the Tour without winning a stage is something the likes of Merckx and Hinault never managed. Adding the Vuelta, well, that was the cherry on top of the cake. Not that Dave allows me to eat cake. Or cherries, for that matter.
‘But enough about me – it’s time to consider my fellow award winners. Given that I usually spend the cold part of the season on a volcano in Tenerife, I always thought a spring Classic was a type of mattress, but I did see my teammate Michal Kwiatkowski out-sagan the man himself in Milan-san Remo, and so my versatile domestique definitely deserves the George
Osborne Award for multiple jobs. ‘Staying with the Classics, Philippe Gilbert wins the Tom Whoonen Award for his 50km break in the Tour of Flanders, as well as the How Offal Award for having to down celebratory golden pints of Amstel with a torn kidney.
‘On to the Giro. Tom Dumoulin came into the race as the number two favourite – and certainly lived up to his billing! The Dutchman defied a call of nature mid-race
to win the Paula Radcliffe Cup. Elsewhere, the La La Land Award for premature celebration goes to Luka Pibernik, who pumped the air with his fists one lap too early during Stage 5. Meanwhile Tejay van Garderen trumped his rivals to win the Make
America Great Again Award, becoming the first US rider since Andy Hampsten to snare a Giro mountain stage.
‘Over to the Tour, where Fabio Aru wins the Trevor Chappell Underarm Bowling
Award for Services to Sportsmanship for attacking the moment I raised my hand to indicate my seventh mechanical of Stage 9. For being a swashbuckling but fragile Frenchman winning with panache on Bastille Day, Warren Barguil wins the
Stranger Things Award for nostalgia. Controversially denied the Tour’s supercombativity prize, the embittered Thomas De Gendt is a no-brainer for the Kitkat
Award for multiple breaks and two fingers to the race organisers.
‘Let us move to the Vuelta where, for his 11th-hour stage win on the Angliru, my amigo Alberto Contador secures the
Timing Is Everything Award (sponsored by Festina). Although Wout Poels and I toyed with catching him…
‘Thanks largely to Fernando Gaviria, Marcel Kittel and Matteo Trentin, the Wipe
The Floors Award goes to Quick-step, who won 25% of all Grand Tour stages. Vincenzo Nibali’s two GT podiums and Lombardy triumph earns him the Man For All Seasons
Award vacated by Alejandro Valverde. ‘Finally, the Worlds. Both the Invisible
Man Award and Woah Triple Rainbow Award go to Peter Sagan, who struck gold despite apparently not being in the race until the final kilometre. The David Copperfield Prize for the best disappearing act goes to Julian Alaphilippe, who vanished without a trace during the TV blackout.
‘That just about wraps it up… but hang on, what’s this? Ned Boulting is approaching me with a jiffy bag from which he is producing a piece of card. Oh no! It wasn’t me who won the Last Gasp Gong but Tom Dumoulin. Wow, this is more embarrassing than that time I ran up Ventoux.
‘So, Tom, come on up – one running man replaced by another with the runs. In my eyes you’re a worthy winner, if only for tiring out Nairo so much before the Tour. And now you’ve beaten me in the polls, Tom, perhaps it’s time to knock me off my stool, target the Tour and try to follow through on that promise. See you next July.’ *As imagined by Eurosport’s Felix Lowe