98 YEARS OLD AND STILL AS PISCATORIAL AS EVER...

LAST week, the delightful Miss Helena Bonham Carter posed naked with a tuna fish in order to draw attention to over- fishing of endangered marine species. The resulting photographs attracted a good deal of attention, with many commenting on Miss Bonham Carter overcoming her ichthyophobia in order to pose with the fish.

Nobody, however, seems to have taken the trouble to ask the fish what he thought of it all. We are delighted to be able to rectify that omission with a full and frank interview with the tuna. I began by asking for his general views on the experience.

“I’m so relieved the pictures came out well,” he said. “I was so nervous at the photo session and I was afraid it would show in the photos. Not only do I suffer from anthropophobia but nobody told me until we got to the studio that I was expected to appear nude while Miss Bonham Carter wrapped herself around me. I’ve never done such a thing before.”

“But surely you spend most of your time in the water swimming around with no clothes on?” I asked.

“Oh, skinny dipping is quite different from posing naked,” he said. “It’s quite normal to take off one’s clothes before jumping into the sea but appearing with a beautiful actress when we are both undressed is very stressful.

“I’ve been a great fan of Miss Bonham Carter since I first saw her in Fight Club and I never dreamed we’d ever meet, let alone have our bodies so closely intertwined. Normally I would never appear in public like that. Common decency demands a modicum of dressing, even if it is only mayonnaise or tartare sauce.”

“So this type of photo shoot was out of the ordinary for you,” I said. “But tell us, what does your modelling work usually comprise?”

“Really I do anything my agent puts me up for. Once I even turned up somewhere and found it had all been a miscommunication. They’d wanted a piano tuner, not a maritime tuna. Fortunately, I’d appeared in a few realistic productions of Benjamin Britten operas such as Albert Herring and Billy Budd, which are set at sea, so I knew a bit about musical instruments and was able to fix their piano.”

“To come back to Miss Bonham Carter,” I asked, “how did you manage to overcome her fear of fish and your fear of humans? You look very natural together.”

“She’s a real trooper, is Helena,” the fish replied with a dreamy look in his eyes. “She did everything she could to put me at ease, even though I must have been sweating like a fish.

“It’s lucky they didn’t give the job to one of my bluefin colleagues. Some are so frightened by humans, particularly Japanese fishermen, that they’d swim a mile rather than expose themselves as I did, even with a beautiful actress.”

“What’s on the horizon for you?” I asked.

“Helena and I went our separate ways after the shoot,” he said. “Until something turns up, I guess it’s back to the fish shop for me now.”

I thanked him for talking to me and wished him well.