BEACHCOMBER

98 YEARS OLD AND STILL A MAN FOR ALL PARTIES...

THE day we have all been waiting for has at last arrived. This evening, seven leaders of political parties will appear on television to debate their policies and we will be gripped with the question of whether there is something more enlightening to watch on another channel. For those who fear they may be missing something if they skip the Great Debate, however, I have compiled a summary of what the party leaders will say at this or any other election. 1. The Re- Elect- Us Party: “Thanks to the efforts of TREUP, the country is now in the healthiest state in living memory and we have many more promises to make so that you will have even more reasons to vote for us. The only reason we haven’t done these things already is that we’ve been doing so many good things that there hasn’t been time for anything else. And anyway, the other lot left us in such a terrible state when we took over, that it’s all been a much bigger job than anyone guessed.” 2. The It’s- Time- For- A- Change Party. “Everything that’s wrong with your lives, or has room for improvement, is the fault of TREUP. Vote for TITFACP and we’ll put it all right and make it all much better, however much it may cost. Unless it’s too expensive and would need cuts or tax rises.”

3. The We’ll-Join- A- Coalition- With-Anyone Party.

“We at TWJACWAP have lots and lots of wonderful policies, but we know that we haven’t a chocolate teapot’s chance in Hell of forming a government, so we’re ready to enter a coalition with anyone who needs our votes to stay in power. So there’s really not much point in telling you our policies because we’ll either be in no position to implement them or have to drop them in the name of achieving a working relationship.”

4. The We-Won’t- Join- A- Coalition-With- Anyone Party.

“We know that you don’t like any of the other parties enough to vote for them, so vote TWWJACWAP and we won’t enter a coalition with any of them. But we might support them anyway, if it gives us what we want.”

5. The Wringing- Hands- In- Despair Party.

“Oh dear, the world’s such a mess what with global warming and Ebola and terrorism and all that sort of thing. Frankly, we at TWHIDP think it has all probably gone too far, but why not vote for us anyway and then you can wring your hands in despair too.

6. The Populist Front For The Return Of Jeremy Clarkson Party.

“We’re just saying what the rest of the country is thinking: the Clarkson affair was just a storm in a teacup and the tea wasn’t even hot. Vote for TPFFTROJCP and we guarantee as many referendums as it takes to bring Top Gear back to your screens.” 7. The No- Policies Party. “What are we going to do? How much will it cost? How are we going to raise the money? Answering such questions loses votes, so we’ll leave such decisions until we are elected.” 8. The Monster Raving Loony Party. The MRLP will not be taking part in this evening’s debate as it believes there are enough loony parties already.