98 YEARS OLD AND STILL THE SOUL OF HUMOUR...

THE tale of Faust, as popularised by Christopher Marlowe in English and Goethe in German, is all about a man who sold his soul to the devil but nobody seems to believe that sort of thing these days. So here is a new version: Faust 2015.

Faust was having a bad day. He knew he was getting old and was plagued with worries and doubts. Should he cash in his pension or try to get by on a miserly annuity? Or should he try to raise money by selling his soul?

He logged on to his computer, called up the Google search engine and typed in “soul selling”.

“Do you mean ‘ soul singing’?” it asked and Faust told it he did not.

“Do you mean ‘ soul searching’?” it asked, and Faust told it he did not.

“Do you mean ‘ sole fishing’?” it said and Faust slammed his fist down on the keyboard. As he did so, however, an ad came up on the screen: “Do you want to sell a soul?” it said. “Contact us at in soul ownership. com. Best prices given. Any soul considered.”

Amazed at the speed at which a Google search led to customised ads, he clicked on the link and a temptingly beautiful page came up advertising in soul ownership. com.

“Are you over- 18?” it asked. And Faust clicked ‘ Yes’.

“Do you live in a jurisdiction in which, to the best of your knowledge, selling souls is permitted?” Faust did not know, so clicked ‘ Yes’.

“Do you wish to sell your soul to Mephistopheles?” it asked. And after a brief moment’s hesitation, Faust clicked ‘ Yes’ again.

“Please click the button indicating that you have read and accept the terms and conditions,” it said.

Faust hovered with his mouse over the button, then something told him he ought to read the terms and conditions before agreeing to them. He clicked on the tiny ‘ terms and conditions’ button.

“It’s all standard legalistic bumph,” it said. “Just save time and click the ‘ agree’ button.” But Faust scrolled down to read them.

Items 1- 147 seemed okay. They just laid out what Faust would get in return for his soul: wealth, jewels, beautiful women, youth, good health, LaurentPerrier ultra brut Champagne and all that sort of stuff. Items 148- 665 looked okay, too, but item 666, which was in very small print, gave him some cause to hesitate. It was the bit about Beelzebub having the right to inflict tortures and pain on Faust for all eternity that worried him.

He decided that perhaps he ought to think about it a bit longer before agreeing to the terms and conditions, so he closed the page.

As soon as he did so, however, a message appeared on his screen below a picture of a skull and crossbones: “Gotcha!” it said. “Your computer has been infected with the curse of hades virus. Subscribe to our state-of- thesatanic-arts virus- removing service or your hard disk will be wiped clean. Click here to accept our terms and conditions.”

“I knew that Beelzebub character wasn’t playing fair,” Faust thought and he clicked the button to remove the virus. And you probably know the rest.