BEACHCOMBER

98 YEARS OLD AND STILL READY TO POLL- DANCE...

AYOUNG lady just rang to inform me that 11 per cent of children in this country aged between seven and 12 believe that the Whomping Willow is a real plant.

“That’s appalling,” I said, “for 11 per cent of men say they bought gingerbread at Christmas for its fashionable status. I strongly suspect that these men were told by their wretched children that what they wanted for Christmas was a whomping willow, so the dads tried to fob them off by giving them some gingerbread instead.

“Furthermore, 11 per cent of people say they’re finding it hard to get by financially, which I would guess is because the men of the family are wasting their money on gingerbread.”

“The whomping willow percentage comes from a survey we’ve just done for the holidaycottages. co. uk holiday rental company,” the young lady continued. “14 per cent of our seven to 12- year- olds believe in dragons and werewolves, you know.”

“I didn’t know,” I said, “but I was just looking at the BBC poll of polls investigating people’s voting intentions, which reported that 14 per cent of people intend to vote Ukip.”

“That’s probably a different 14 per cent,” she said. “Seven to 12- year- olds don’t have a vote.”

“Thank goodness for that,” I said. “But what does all this have to do with holiday cottages?”

“Well we also asked the children whether they thought that dragonflies and natterjack toads and rhinoceros beetles and other such animals were real or imaginary. Only 66.7 per cent were confident that wolves are real and only 66.2 per cent firmly believe in dragonflies.”

“But the BBC poll of polls says that 34 per cent plan to vote Labour and 33 per cent plan to vote Conservative,” I told her.

“So it could be that everyone who isn’t sure about dragonflies comes from a Labour- voting family, while the Conservatives are attracting the people who don’t believe in wolves. What do you have for six per cent?”

“The nearest is the 5.7 per cent who think centaurs are real,” she said.

“I’m not surprised,” I said. “Six per cent is the figure reported as intending to vote for the Greens. They probably hoping the Greens will act to save the centaur. What about something for eight per cent?”

“It’s the percentage of children who think the clock bug is a real insect rather than a problem that affected the iPhone,” she said.

“That makes sense,” I said. “That’s the poll rating for the LibDems. The voters must be hoping Mr Clegg will exterminate the bugs in their phones. But what can holiday cottages do to help counter all this misinformation?”

“Well people can still enter our wildlife photography competition at holidaycottages. co. uk/ blog/ nature- watch and win £ 500 for a holiday, which would come in very useful whoever wins the election. There’s an activity pack they can download too.”

“I’m still worried about werewolves voting Ukip,” I said in an anxious tone, and we left it at that.