98 YEARS OLD AND STILL LIVING A FAIRY TALE...
THE debate over the National Health Service has heightened with new revelations of a patient in a coma believed to have been caused by ingesting a poisonous substance waking up on a ward served by only one doctor who also had to look after a drug addict, a man with chronic social anxiety, a patient with anger management problems, a man with a chronic respiratory tract infection, a narcoleptic and a patient who was addicted to anti- depressants.
Dr Doc, blamed staff shortages for the fact that his patients were not getting any better and in at least one case, the proper tests had not even been completed. “Take the poor girl in the coma,” he said: “We have to keep her in a specially designed glass enclosure to guard against infection and we don’t even know what poisoned her. There was a half- eaten apple near her when she was found but it hasn’t even reached the toxicology lab yet. The poor girl’s so pale we call her Snow White.”
“Is it right,” we asked, “that she must share a ward with patients who seem mainly to be suffering from various personality disorders?”
Quite right,” said Dr Doc: “They ought to be in a psychiatric ward but the bed shortage there is so severe they were dumped on me. But it’s not really a big problem. We keep the drug addict so high on medicinal marijuana that he’s not a danger to anyone. I shouldn’t be telling you this really but he’s so out of it, we call him Dopey.” “What about the others?” we asked. “Well,” said Dr Doc, there the social anxiety case, Bashful; there’s Grumpy with his anger management problems; Sneezy has a chronic respiratory tract infection; Sleepy is obviously a narcoleptic and all that can be said about the anti- depressant addict is that the pills at least keep him Happy.”
“We have spoken to members of Snow White’s family who say that you should share a large measure of blame for there being no improvement in her condition,” we said. “They say they have seen you whistling during your morning rounds and apparently taking your responsibilities too lightly.”
“One does one’s best to keep one’s spirits up in these times of austerity,” Dr Doc replied. Dopey and Happy take drugs, I whistle while I work. At least it stops us being as grumpy as Grumpy.”
“And what do you have to say about the allegations that you have been moonlighting, taking paid word for a second job while you should be looking after your patients?”
“That’s completely false,” he said. “Who dares to suggest such a thing? Have you been talking to Grumpy?”
“Do you deny,” we asked, “that you have been seen leaving the hospital after the morning ward round, singing ‘ Hi ho. Hi ho. It’s off to work we go?”
“This interview is now concluded!” he said angrily and he reached for a handful of Happy’s happy pills.
As we left, we heard him thumping Snow White’s glass coffin. The jolt made her cough and she spat a piece of poisoned apple across the room.
Sometimes, even with the most modern medical advances, the old ways are the best.