99 YEARS OLD AND STILL READY WITH INNOVATIONS...

TODAY we are pleased to list some of the new entries in the Summer edition of the Beachivations catalogue. Bear Grills: Whatever your make of care, our Bear Grills will fit onto the front and provide a useful form of ideal protection against bears that you may encounter in the wild. With a Bear Grill on the front of your vehicle, you may fearlessly drive full speed into the animal then scavenge the roadkill for claws, which can be made into kitchen cutting implements, or bear steaks which can feed all the family. Bear Grills are the complete, all-in-one car attachment for survival in the wild.

Eddy Redmane: A unique hair extension for redheads, the Eddy Redmane adds an instant quiff of red hair to your mane, with a swirl of hair reminiscent of a small whirlpool or eddy. May be worn at the front or the back.

Shorn Pen: Have you ever been in a quandary while shearing a flock of sheep over the problem of remembering which of the flock have been shorn and which have not? Worry no more! For the Shorn Pen offers a simple solution. Just train your dog to direct the shorn sheep into the shorn pen and this problem will be a thing of the past (sheepdog not included).

Glen Close: At last, we do not have to rely on the glens of the north of Scotland for the best whiskies. Glen Close is a chain of neighbourhood distilleries offering local hooch at reasonable prices, saving the trouble and expense of having to bring it from Scotland. Also well worth considering as an investment before there is another Scottish referendum.

Hillary Swank: Have you ever wondered how the Democratic frontrunning in the US Presidential election manages to convey such an air of confidence and superiority? The answer is the Hillary Swank, a complete course in self-assurance, from the swagger in your walk to the smug smile on your face.

Elizabeth Tailor: For those wanting a more demure and regal style than the Hillary Swank provides, we recommend the Elizabeth Tailor, a 3-D printer that can produce within minutes a replica, in your own size, of any garment worn by Her Majesty the Queen. Just scan in any picture of the Queen and leave the rest to the Elizabeth Tailor. And if you are in a real hurry, just upgrade to the Tailor Swift for even quicker printing.

WC Fields: Have you ever been caught short while on a walk or ramble through the countryside? Keep our grasslands pure and unsullied with the easy-to-install WC Fields.

Donald Trump: the ultimate bathtime toy. Not only is this larger than any other domestic plastic duck but it will swim in your bath and push aside any other duck with ease, trumpeting triumphantly as it does so. All other duck owners will be trumped when they see your Donald at work.

NB: for the full benefits of the Donald Trump, you may require a larger size of bath. Shoppers are advised to check their bath size before purchasing. Unsuitable for those of certain religious persuasions. Not compatible with the Hillary Swank.