Daily Express

HOW COULD HARRY HAVE COPED WITH HIS GRIEF?

Trying to sweep death under the carpet is harmful, say experts. It’s important to be honest and all right to cry

- By Adrian Lee

THE sight of the two young princes walking behind Princess Diana’s coffin was enduringly poignant. With their father at their side, William and Harry, heads bowed, marched from St James’s Palace in a united and very public display of grief. For the boys, who were aged just 15 and 12 at the time of their mother’s death, the funeral in 1997 was the most difficult of days.

At the time the pair won widespread admiration for the manner in which they appeared to cope with the loss of Diana, killed in the prime of her life in a car crash in Paris. Now, however, Prince Harry has revealed that he bottled up his feelings and regrets not talking about his mother’s death until he was much older.

In an interview yesterday Harry, now 31, admitted he didn’t start opening up until about three years ago. “It is OK to suffer, as long as you talk about it,” said the prince. “It is not a weakness. Weakness is having a problem and not recognisin­g it and not solving that problem.”

It has echoes of the approach taken by his elder brother. William never shed any tears because he has the “Windsor ability to keep his emotions hidden”, claimed royal chronicler Penny Junor in her 2012 biography of the Duke of Cambridge. It was William’s way of protecting himself, she said.

According to bereavemen­t experts the princes’ adoption of the “stiff upper lip” is a common mistake made by children following the death of a parent. “It is absolutely typical for boys and girls to try to sweep grief under the carpet,” says Stacey Hart, trauma specialist for Grief Encounter, an organisati­on that specialise­s in supporting bereaved children.

SHE adds: “Usually they take their cues from adults around them who don’t want to upset children by crying in front of them. It sends the wrong message that it’s not okay to cry and be sad. All too often you also see attempts to get life back to normal and children returning to school much too soon, when they should still be grieving. Children end up going into denial.”

It’s not known if William and Harry had counsellin­g after Diana’s death but Stacey believes it should be offered to all children over the age of three. Additional­ly, it’s vital for surviving parents and other families to talk openly about death.

“It’s important to have those difficult conversati­ons and be honest about what has happened,” she says. “Children can retreat to a very dark place if they simply hold everything inside.

“If you are not open with children they find it difficult to ask questions and process what has happened. They might worry that the other parent will also die.”

She also believes in the use of treasured family photograph­s and the creation of memory boxes containing keepsakes of the person who has recently died. Confiding in close friends, drawing, play therapy, rememberin­g happy times together and writing letters and poems to someone who is no longer around can all bring comfort.

Frequently children are kept away from the funeral of a parent but Stacey believes it was the correct decision by Prince Charles to allow his sons to attend Diana’s service at Westminste­r Abbey. “We encourage that, even at quite a young age, because otherwise children feel left out,” she adds.

It’s estimated that only about one in seven children receives profession­al help following the loss of a close relative. Alison Thomas, of the UK’s biggest bereavemen­t charity Cruse, says thousands of boys and girls are missing out because many people consider death to be a taboo subject. “Children, particular­ly boys, think they are being brave by not talking about death,” she says. “Bottling up grief is a coping strategy but it can store up problems for later in life. You’ll find that birthdays and other important dates are triggers.”

CRUSE works with 5,000 bereaved young people each year, typically offering six one-hour sessions. The charity has a website, Hope Again, which is aimed specifical­ly at under-18s. “Family support is crucial but it also helps to talk to a properly trained stranger,” adds Alison, the organisati­on’s manager for children’s bereavemen­t care in South Wales. “It can lift a huge weight from your shoulders.” She speaks from experience, having lost her own mother at 16.

“As Prince Harry acknowledg­es, seeking help is not a sign of weakness,” says Alison. “There is no need to struggle on your own. You never really get over the death of a parent but with help you can learn to live around it. Harry is doing a wonderful and brave thing by speaking about the way in which he dealt with his mother’s death. By admitting his mistakes I hope others will benefit.”

It’s predicted that comments by a role model such as Harry will spark a flurry of calls to bereavemen­t charities. Experts warn that bottling up grief can lead to nightmares, drug and alcohol problems, self-harm, depression and relationsh­ip difficulti­es later in life.

So it seems you really can from a broken heart. die

STARS WHO MOURN

 ??  ?? IN SHOCK: Harry and big brother William could hardly take in all the floral tributes outside Kensington Palace
IN SHOCK: Harry and big brother William could hardly take in all the floral tributes outside Kensington Palace

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