99 YEARS OLD AND STILL PREFERS CHAMPAGNE...
OFFERING alcoholic drinks to primates is probably against the law in some countries but not, it seems, in North Carolina, where the research was conducted for the best academic paper I read last week. Entitled “Alcohol discrimination and preferences in two species of nectar-feeding primate” (by SR Gochman, MB Brown and NJ Dominy, Royal Society Open Science, July 2016), it reported on experiments that led to the conclusion that if you offer a variety of alcoholic drinks to a slow loris, it will show a preference to the drink with the highest alcohol content.
They found a similar result when they offered drinks to aye-ayes, which are a type of lemur with extended middle-fingers which they use to extract nectar from plants. To make the experiments more natural for the aye-ayes, the researchers even served the alcoholic drinks in containers with holes in their lids through which the animals could poke their long fingers and extract the booze.
Not only did the experiments show that the loris and the aye-ayes went for the drink with the highest alcohol content but the aye-ayes would even continue sticking their finger in and probing for more drink even when the container was empty.
Personally, I would always be content to sip on a glass of LaurentPerrier Ultra Brut in preference to anything else, but the loris and aye-ayes always went for the heavy stuff. I suppose that must be because they find it difficult to get hold of the Laurent-Perrier in Madagascar, where they come from, but since they were not offered Champagne (they just had a sugar solution laced with differing amounts of alcohol) it is difficult to be certain. I therefore rang up the Duke Lemur Center in North Carolina and asked to speak to Dharma, the loris involved in the experiment.
The phone rang and rang and I was about to give up when a slurred voice came on the line and said, “Sorry to keep you waiting but I’m a slow loris. Waddjer want?”
“This is Beachcomber of the Daily Express,” I said. “I was hoping to talk to you about the paper on alcohol discrimination that recently appeared in Royal Society Open Science.”
“Beachcomber!” the loris squeaked before collapsing in a coughing fit. “You’re my bestest, favouritest columnist. My buddy. I love you.”
“Thank you,” I said in surprise. “But can you tell me why you always went for the hard liquor, even when the container was empty?”
“Dunno really,” she said. “I s’pose I like a drink as much as the next loris, or aye-aye or whoever’s drinking with me. But I guess there was some bravado about it too. I mean, these scientists weren’t drinking a drop and they kept filling up our containers and watching us. I think they were trying to get us plastered, so I guess we wanted to show them that we could take the hard stuff as well as any primate.”
“But wouldn’t you prefer a decent Champagne?” I asked.
“Wouldn’t say no, if you’re buying,” she replied. “Oh hang on. I think I’m going to be sick.” And I heard no more.