BEACHCOMBER

99 YEARS OLD AND STILL ENJOYS A GOOD SQUABBLE...

WE HAVE been so engrossed in the squabbling of the Labour Party this week that the great transatlantic political squabble has been almost ignored. For those who may have missed the TV debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, which was screened in the middle of our night a few days ago, here’s a transcript. We’ve paraphrased some of the comments a little to make them easier to understand. Hillary: “Hello, Donald.” Trump: “You said ‘Hell’. You’re a rude woman just as I’ve always said.” H: “No I’m not and no I didn’t.” T: “Yes you did.” H: “No I didn’t. T: “Yes you did.” Moderator: “Can we try to move on a bit, please? This is going nowhere.” H: “What I said was …” T: “You said ‘Hell’. That’s what you said.” H: “I said ‘Hello’.” T: “That starts with ‘Hell’, just like all your policies.” H: “They’re … ” T: “I have to interrupt you there.” H: “I’m answering a point about my policies. You’ve no right to interrupt.”

T: “Yes I do. I’m an interrupting sort of guy.” [He sniffs.] H: “You’re a sniffy sort of guy.” T: “No I’m not. That wasn’t a sniff. It was a microphone fault.”

H: “Sounded to all of us here like a sinus fault.”

T: “Your policies give us all a lot to sniff about.”

H: “I’m glad we’ve got back to my policies at last. Perhaps this time, you’ll let me …”

T: “Better than that, I’ll tell you what your policies are. You just want to be on top. You Hillaries are all the same. Sir Edmund Hillary just wanted to be the first on top of Everest, you want to be on top of the USA.”

H: “Edmund Hillary had only two Ls in his name. I have three, if you include the L in Clinton.”

T: “There you go saying ‘L’ again. The whole country will be ‘ellish if you ever take charge. Anyway, your three Ls are exactly the same number as your ‘ellish ‘usband Bill Clinton which just goes to prove exactly what I’ve been saying all along.”

H: “Well you’ve been talking a lot, but I don’t think you’ve said anything interesting yet. It’s all been about as revealing as your tax returns, which you keep refusing to show us, just as you keep refusing to show us the top of your head which you keep covering up with a ridiculous comb-over.”

Moderator: “Please can we keep this debate to the subject of policies and not let it descend to personal abuse?”

T: “On the matter of policies, I should like to point out that my combover is not at all ridiculous. In fact, it’s rather fetching, and even if I am a bit thin on top in places, it’s much better than being an old woman.” H: “I’m younger than you are!” T: “I’m not a woman and even if I were, I wouldn’t pay taxes, which just goes to show I’m cleverer than you.”

Moderator: “I’m afraid we’ve run out of time. Thank you both for maintaining the proud standards of political debate in this country.”