Count on a fright to remember
AIRBNB are running a Halloween competition for a night for two in Dracula’s castle in Transylvania, sleeping in velvet-lined coffins. A descendant of Dracula author Bram Stoker has given his blessing.
Night time. The great hall of Dracula’s castle. Candles flicker in the gloom. The massive wooden door groans as it is pushed open and a young couple enter nervously.
She: Well it’s very authentic. (She runs her finger over the surface of a hideous occasional table). Dusty though. He: Slip on your Victorian-style nightie you little sexpot and we could play vampire-and-victim before supper. She: Oh stop it. I wish we’d gone to that nice four-star with the spa in Bucharest. I’m not sure I want to sleep in a coffin either. He: Airbnbs are often quirky. It’ll be fun…
The door flies open and Count Dracula bursts in, his cloak outstretched, his eyes red, his face deadly pale. He glares at the couple.
CD: And you are? She: We won the airbnb competition to spend a night in Dracula’s castle…are you actually Count Dracula?
CD: Well I’m not Father Christmas, madame. What’s airbnb anyway?
He: Airbnb are a peer-to-peer online marketplace and homestay network that enables people to list or rent short-term lodging in residential properties...
CD: Nobody tells me anything. How did you get here, my children, through the ancient forests of Carpathia with the snow falling and the wolves howling…?
She: Airbnb laid on a horse-drawn carriage. It was very uncomfortable.
CD: And did you stop on the way at an inn where the idiot peasants fell silent and crossed themselves when you said you were going to… Dracula’s castle? He: Of course. CD: Glad to hear it. But I forget my manners, welcome to my humble home. Can I offer you some… refreshment?
He: Not so fast Count. We’ve seen the movies. Half a glass of Romanian rohypnol and we’ll be pawns in your evil game. I must say we didn’t expect the property owner to be on site.
She: It wasn’t in the terms and conditions.
CD: Count Dracula does not do terms and conditions. But your airbnb interests me strangely. There are many rooms in this castle – I could rent them out for some extra dosh?
She: You’d need to spruce things up. People are quite fussy these days.
He: And you need positive feedback. Some of your behaviour could be deemed inappropriate, Count. The er… biting… blood drinking… climbing into ladies’ bedrooms.
CD: But that’s my “unique selling point”! Obscure vampiric legends from middle Europe dressed up with post-Freudian obsessions about sexual pleasure, guilt and body fluids. That Bram Stoker knew what he was about. I could lay on a box set of Buffy The Vampire Slayer if it would lighten the mood.
She: I’m afraid you’d need to tone your act down for today’s young professionals. CD: I’d rather be dead. He: You sort of are….