QUICK pub lunch.

Soup for him, sandwich for me. Within seconds the waiter wanted to know “if everything was all right with the food?” What I wanted to say was: “Look, it’s soup and a sandwich, not Michelin-starred fine dining and at least it’s been served on a plate rather than industrial slate. Rest assured if the food had failed to meet our modest requirements we’d have told you. Now go away.”

I know staff are told to pester customers like this but it’s maddening.

And what I actually said? “Fine thanks.”