100 YEARS OLD AND STILL MAKING EVERY WORD COUNT...

AS IF global warming and terrorism were not enough, another factor has been raised to the highest threat level following the release of figures by the Department of Extrapolating Data (DED). Their head statistician, Sir Phretful Dedhead, explained it to me in breathless tone.

“We cannot stress too highly the danger revealed by the latest figures,” he said. “There was more than a fivefold increase from 2015 to 2016 and the rise from 2016 to 2017 is closer to sixfold. That’s an exponential growth rate on a scale that was hitherto unimaginable. It poses a threat to the very fabric of our civilisation.”

“Have a cup of tea,” I said, trying to calm him down, and I poured him a cup of my best Broken Orange Pekoe from Ceylon. He sipped at it nervously but with evident relief then slumped in his armchair.

“Now tell me what you’re talking about,” I said in a kindly tone.

“Well it all started with love and chocolate,” he said. “We have charted the frequency of those two words in the national press for a long time as a measure of the country’s well-being. Since the start of the year, our database tells us there have been 14,114 articles that use the word ‘love’ and 1,093 with the word ‘chocolate’.”

“Why is that worrying?” I asked. “It sounds quite a lot to me. Have the figures declined dramatically compared with recent years?”

“Chocolate is slightly down but love is slightly higher than last year,” Sir Phretful said, “but it’s another word that’s giving us great cause for concern.” “Go on,” I encouraged him. “Since January 1 this year, there have been 10,747 articles in the press that include the word ‘trump’,” he said portentously. “That compares with 1,817 in the same period last year, and 340 in the year before. That works out at a 5.9-fold increase from 2016 to 2017 following a 5.34-fold increase from 2015 to 2016.

“In 2016, it was bad enough to see trump ahead of chocolate but another five-fold increase will see it leaving love well behind,” he added, grimacing at the prospect.

“That is indeed a bit worrying,” I agreed, “but as long as chocolate and love continue being expressed at their normal level, do we really have cause to see this as an emergency? I mean, we can just ignore the trumps if we want to and still have as much love and chocolate as ever.”

Sir Phretful shook his head vehemently. “No! You’re missing the point,” he shrieked. “With this level of exponential increase in trumps, even love and chocolate are not safe. Since the start of the year, there have been, as I said, 10,747 articles including the word ‘trump’. Next year, if the growth rate is maintained, there will be 60,000; a year later it will be over 300,000. According to our calculations, within ten years every word in every newspaper will be ‘trump’.”

“Oh dear,” I said. “Just think of tomorrow’s headline: ‘Trump Set To Oust Love and Chocolate’,” and we shook our heads sadly in unison.