Expert advice on raising happy girls
IKNOW I don’t look old enough but I’ve been interviewing “experts” on the radio, TV and for newspapers and magazines for 30 years. Some know their onions but can’t communicate for toffee. Some are superb raconteurs but have nothing new to say. Some are so technical you can feel the audience glazing over. Some so touchy-feely you want to squirm.
Only very occasionally does an interviewee achieve the perfect balance of approachability, knowledge and something importantly groundbreaking to impart. Fifteen years ago, the Australian psychologist Steve Biddulph burst upon my radio programme talking about fathers. Most chaps, he said, have no idea how to be dads because their own fathers were so distant/authoritarian/absent or just closed books.
Today’s dads, he said, were doing their level best from a standing start. With no viable role models they were struggling to be the best men they could manage to be.
I simply sat silently and marvelled as the phone lines ignited and chap after chap phoned – some in tears – to talk about his sketchy grasp of what kind of a bloke his father was. All said they were determined to do a better job than their own papas, wanting to be pals as well as disciplinarians and authentically themselves instead of “paterfamilias” figures.
Steve Biddulph touched a nerve and I’ve never forgotten his wisdom and kindness. So I was thrilled when he joined me on my BBC breakfast show with his new book 10 Things Girls Need Most To Grow Up Strong And Free.
He talked of enfolding baby girls in a “river of love”, appreciating them, nurturing them and giving them the confidence to develop into intrepid toddlers. Between two and five, he explained, it’s vital for girls to get filthy, covered in mud and soaking wet as they courageously explore the world.
Parents must set them free to reconnoitre the universe. Clothes must be comfortable and hardwearing. Prettiness, neatness, being docile and “attractive” must be of no consequence. Daughters must roam outside, connect with nature and be absolved from any obligation to be decorative.
HE SPOKE of the importance of fathers, aunties and extended families, the pleasure of dancing for joy rather than sticking to rigid steps in a dance class and the fact that it’s vital to examine the classes, clubs and tests you’re subjecting your little girls to and chuck out the ones that cause stress.
Again the phone lines lit up in unison. Again tearful parents told tales of overloading their little girls, subjecting them to pressured tests and unrealistic expectations, requiring them to be neat and tidy, carting them off for manicures instead of encouraging them to climb trees.
Steve Biddulph, true to form, led through gentleness and managed to be nurturing but non-judgmental. His views on protecting daughters from unsuitable television programmes, social media, porn and premature sexual pressure are constructive and well worth examining.
Reader, I was enthralled.