BEACHCOMBER

100 YEARS OLD AND STILL MANIFESTING MAGNIFICENCE...

THE Beachcomber Party will today launch its manifesto for the General Election. Here are some of the main points it will contain: Europe: We are absolutely committed to maintaining the English Channel as a liquid boundary between Britain and continental Europe. Should sudden evaporation, or global warming, or thirsty fish cause a significant drop in water level, we shall commission a fleet of tankers to bring water from our reservoirs to top it up.

Ireland: we shall strengthen the border between Northern and Southern Ireland once Britain has left the EU. While retaining the option of building a wall, we shall only do this if Mexico agrees to pay for it. Our preferred option is to build a canal along the whole length of the border to be called the English Channel Extension.

Apostrophes: The state of our national apostrophes is a disgrace and one of our first acts on coming to power will be to tax misplaced apostrophes. Greengrocers will, of course, retain the right, granted by Queen Elizabeth I, to place apostrophes “wheresoever and whensoever they do wish”, but the rest of the nation will be fined for apostrophic misuse. The fines will fund a new Serious Solecism Squad, under the control of the Apostropher Royal, which will not only police apostrophic misuse but move apostrophes to their correct places. A team of Apostrophic Delegates will remove apostrophes from places where they have no right to be and put them into words from which apostrophes have been ignorantly omitted.

Crime: The annual cost of crime to the UK has been estimated at hundreds of billions of pounds a year. We propose to deal with this by making all crime illegal. Furthermore, we shall bring in a crime tax, at the same rates as income tax, to be applied to the proceeds of crime. Not only will this raise large sums for the Treasury, but it will greatly aid the hard-pressed law enforcement agencies. By imposing harsh penalties on miscreants who do not declare their criminal earnings, we shall encourage a high level of selfreporting of such illegality thus making it much easier for our police to identify and apprehend the criminals.

Referendums: First we had a Scottish referendum, then a Europe referendum, and now a General Election. We believe the public is getting heartily sick of referendums and we shall accordingly be calling a referendum to decide on the future of referendums. The voting form will have one simple question: “Do you want another referendum?” to which the voters may respond: a) yes, b) no, or c) I didn’t even want this one.

Sea Lions: Thanks to the tireless efforts of the volunteers of K-Slott (Keep Sea Lions Off The Tubes), the threat of havoc caused by sea lions on the London Underground has been held at bay, but it is time for governmental action. “No Sea Lions” notices will according be prominently placed at all tube stations and at the new Channel Extension in Ireland to make it harder for US sea lions to infiltrate our transport system.

Vote Beachcomber: the only party that is not one of the other parties.