100 YEARS OLD AND STILL BOTHERED BY BISCUITS...
AS YOU will surely recall, last year we had a referendum. The question was simple: would my colleagues prefer me to bring them biscuits or chocolates? Voters quickly split into two camps: Bixit (who wanted to abolish the biscuits) and Choxit (who voted to get rid of the chocolates). The Bixit camp emerged victorious by a small but significant margin and I triggered article 47, immediately increasing chocolate production and instituting negotiations with a view to phasing out biscuits over the next two years. In the meantime, I have introduced a range of biscuits with a heavy chocolate coating which can be seen either as chocolate biscuits or biscuity chocolates.
As negotiations proceeded, however, it became increasingly clear that the matter was far from settled as each of the Bixit and Choxit camps split into two. Some Bixiteers began to champion a hard Bixit, advocating hard-centre chocolates, while others insisted on soft centres. Equally, the Choxit camp, who had voted in favour of biscuits, divided on the lines of soft chewy biscuits (soft Choxit) versus crisp crunchy ones (hard Choxit).
In addition, we now have the newly elected French President, Emmanuel Macron, throwing a couple of spanners in the biscuit-making works. First off he is insisting that if we are to continue using the term “biscuits”, they must be cooked twice, as the word derives from the French bis-cuit, meaning twice cooked, and secondly, we must pay him personally a Bixit exit fee of around e100billion if we wish to phase out macaron imports with which he claims a nominal affinity.
This has resulted in howls of protest from Bixiteers who say that macarons are not biscuits anyway and after Bixit we shall be free to cook them as many times as we wish. Legal advice has been sought on whether macarons are the same as macaroons, whether making either of them is an infringement of the nominal property rights of President Macron, and indeed whether he has any rights to the use of his own name, as “E Macron” is an anagram of “Cameron” which is itself an anagram of “romance” anyway.
In the meantime, to keep a fragile peace between the various factions, I have expanded my range to include soft biscuits, hard biscuits, softcentred chocolates (a rather delicious blood orange Cointreau cream, even if I do say so myself) and hard-centred chocolates (a sort of brandy-infused fudge). Rather than being grateful, however, the grumpy wings of both Bixit and Choxit camps are mumbling criticism that I am taking up far too much of my time and money making chocolates and/or biscuits rather than getting on with important matters such as keeping London’s tube trains free from sea lions and fighting against the criminal misuse of apostrophes.
Finally, in the interests of political balance, we should like to point out that Jeremy Corbyn, when asked last year what his favourite biscuit is, replied, before opting for shortbread: “I’m totally anti-sugar on health grounds, so eat very few biscuits.” We’ve put him down as a Bixit softie.