100 YEARS OLD AND STILL READY TO TRY ANYTHING...

AYOUNG lady just contacted me and asked whether I was aware that 56 per cent of people have given up reading a book before they have finished it.

“That’s very interesting,” I fibbed, “for 56 per cent of people have a morning alarm set on their smartphones. Do you think they might have fallen asleep while reading the book then had to give up because it was time to get out of bed?”

“I dunno,” she admitted, “but our survey for Tilda rice reports that another 65 per cent have stopped watching a film halfway through because they weren’t into it.”

“Hang on,” I said, “that’s impossible. You can’t have another 65 per cent on top of the 56 per cent who’ve given up reading a book. The most you can have is another 44 per cent, so there must be at least 21 per cent – that’s 65 minus 44 – who are both book and film giver-uppers. That makes sense, for a survey this year reported that 21 per cent of drivers don’t turn off their mobile phones before driving. I suppose they must have watched a film half way through, turned it off, started reading a book, fallen asleep, were woken by the alarm and were so exhausted by it all that the alarm was still ringing when they went to work in the car. But what’s this all got to do with Tilda rice?”

“I’m glad you asked,” she said. “Tilda are launching a new exercise and healthy eating campaign, so we set out to find how good people are at changing their behaviour and sticking to new regimes. We found, for example, that 58 per cent of people reckon they would be more likely to succeed at something new, such as a healthy eating regime or going to the gym, if they were doing it with someone else.”

“That’s outrageous,” I protested. “Are you not aware that 58 per cent of women have unblocked a sink? Are you saying they are perfectly competent to unblock a sink on their own but can’t eat a bowl of rice without help? I suppose it must be the chopsticks. A survey a few years ago found that 90 per cent of people associate chopsticks with the words “tricky” and “fiddly” but it’s really unlikely to be much use trying to get a friend to help. Have you ever tried to eat rice using a pair of chopsticks with two people having one chopstick each? No wonder we are a nation of giver-uppers.”

“I don’t know about that,” she said, “but 26 per cent of people have stopped going to the gym or exercise classes earlier than they intended.”

“And 26 per cent of people throw food away at least once a week,” I pointed out. I imagine it’s those bowls of rice they’ve tried to eat with chopsticks as a double act, though I don’t see what going to the gym has to do with it. Of course, I suppose it’s possible that they have only walked away from the gym or exercise class in order to turn off the alarm which is still blaring away on the mobile phone in their car. What do you think?”

But the other end of the phone had gone dead. That’s the trouble with the young people of today: they walk away from books, films and phone calls just as they are becoming interesting.