The only way with Essex
NEVER ask anything, from anybody, before the sun is over the yardarm. That has always been one of my dad’s great truths and it was borne out in the final instalment of ELIZABETH I (Channel 5).
One of the fascinating things about the history of this period, and one of the exceptionally well-played strengths of this short series, too, is how much it all boils down to personalities in the end.
At the close of her life, Elizabeth Tudor was, in the words of historian Suzannah Lipscomb, virtually falling apart. Belladonna eye-drops and lead-based face paint had taken a harsh toll, and the Queen spent hours getting ready each morning before admitting any courtiers to her presence. It was obviously all part of the myth of the Queen as representative of God on earth. Yet at the same time, it must also have been part of Elizabeth the woman’s self-esteem.
She’d been matched, courted, seduced and proposed to, as this series has shown us, more times than the average Hollywood star, and yet never married. This final instalment of her story had the flavour of a great movie, perhaps involving Bette Davis or Glenn Close in the starring role.
At Tilbury, with the country facing invasion by the Spanish Armada, Elizabeth delivered a legendary speech, in which she said she had “the heart and stomach of a King”. Kings and queens alike have soft spots, though, and this was proved by her affair with the Earl of Essex.
Whether the attraction was genuine and mutual, or whether Essex was a cocky sort on the make, his flirting with the ageing Queen was well received by her. It was all paper-thin, though, and when she chose the father of his arch rival, William Cecil to put down a rebellion in Ireland, he not only turned his back on the Queen (an unforgivable slight) but made as if to draw his sword. Most courtiers would have lost their heads after such a display but such was Elizabeth’s fondness for Essex (or weakness for his flattery) she merely banished him for a time. When Cecil failed in Ireland, she even gave the brattish Earl his wish and sent him instead.
He proceeded to lose 11,000 men within two months and deserted his command. Not even this sealed his fate though. What did it was his decision to burst, unannounced and uninvited into her bedchamber to explain himself to her before she had all her make-up on.
Only a tyrant monarch would chop a man’s head off for that, of course, but what Essex did, plainly, was to hurt the Queen as a woman. What this series did regally well was to show Elizabeth as both.
For a crisp-crazed family like mine, SECRETS OF OUR FAVOURITE SNACKS (C4) was must-see viewing. Stuffed with tasty factoids, like the length of time it takes to turn a potato into a bag of cheese & onion crisps (12 minutes), it also revealed how the crackly bags and colour schemes for the different flavours act on our senses to get us hooked.
Delving into the latest trends, like gourmet popcorn, Simon Rimmer and Sophie Morgan covered about as much science and statistical snack-based information as anyone could stomach.
Unlike many a food programme, they didn’t make us feel wicked and dirty for enjoying our crisps either. Yet in all of this, they missed out the one, burning and obvious question.
Who eats Twiglets... and why?