BEACHCOMBER

100 YEARS OLD AND STILL MANIFESTLY UNFIT...

WITH only two days left before the election, we at the British United Sloth, Procrastination, Apathy, Sluggishness and Sleep party (Bus Pass) have decided to publish our manifesto in case anyone wonders what we would have stood for if we’d bothered to field candidates.

1. Avoidance of Problems: Our guiding principle is that problems are more often caused by doing things rather than not doing them. Take Brexit for example. Look at all the problems that is causing. We wouldn’t have to think about them now if we hadn’t joined Europe in the first place. Vote Sloth and Apathy, we say, and make Britain purposefully indolent again.

2. Government: For more than 1,000 years, the government seems to have made a hash of almost everything it attempts. This is hardly surprising as prime ministers, ministers, members of parliament and even Kings and Queens are basically a bunch of amateurs trying to do things in areas they have only previously dabbled in.

For this reason, we propose the total privatisation of government, putting it into the hands of private enterprise which will know better how to make it work. With tax receipts now amounting to squillions of pounds (we have the exact figure somewhere but can’t be fussed to dig it out, particularly as most of the country, including some leading politicians, can’t tell the difference between a million and a billion anyway), we reckon that hiving the government off to private buyers will raise at least a gadzillion pounds, which can be shared among us all to give everyone a fair share amounting to whatever it is. (Ha! Who said this manifesto isn’t properly costed? Fie upon you for your unjust criticism!)

3. Poverty Tax: A Wealth Tax has never seemed to make much sense: If you tax the wealthy, they’ll soon become poor, then they’ll stop paying the tax and we’ll be back where we were before you can say “Balance of Payments”. We therefore propose a Poverty Tax to discourage people from becoming poor. There will, of course, be a cap on the level at which people pay this Poverty Tax, which will ensure that it is paid by all who receive a winter fuel allowance. They can then wear the cap to keep warm in the winter. Ah the joys of an integrated tax and warming policy!

4. Weak and Malleable Followership: Strong and stable leadership is all very well, but the virtues of followership are all too easily overlooked. After all, if one follows rather than leads, one has a chance to see if it doesn’t work out well for the leader. One can then shift into reverse and flee from whatever the problem was. The weaker and more malleable one is, the quicker one can decide to run away from the problem.

5. Our Guarantee: in accordance with the previous point, we guarantee to change our minds about any or all of the above if we start having any doubts about their efficacy.

6. Voting: As we can’t be bothered to field any candidates, we shall claim all the votes of those who don’t vote this time because they can’t be bothered either. A vote not cast is a vote for indolence. God bless us all.