100 YEARS OLD AND STILL DEALING OUT THE CARDS...

NO sooner had I popped over to Brussels to see how the EU talks were going on, than I found myself involved in a game of poker with the British PM, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and a Frenchman.

At the insistence of the Frenchman, who said we were obliged to play by his rules, we found ourselves playing a version called Euro Hold ‘Em in which all the players keep their cards so close to their chest that no one even knows what their own cards are.

But first we had to reach agreement on who was the dealer. The Frenchman said that he was holding the cards, so he should be the dealer.

“You’re not holding all the cards,” said the PM, producing the ace of leprechauns from up her sleeve but the Frenchman ruled her out of order and fined her £50billion.

The Frenchman then started dealing the cards but did so very slowly and in a cumbersome manner, occasionally dropping the pack and having to pick it up and straighten it again.

“This is a bad deal,” said the PM. “I’d rather walk away from this game with no deal at all than a bad deal.”

The Chancellor then piped up, saying that a bad deal was worse than a good deal and he was sure they could have a good deal if the Frenchman would only learn how to deal properly and stop dropping the cards on the floor. A good deal, he pointed out, was better for all of us and we couldn’t play the game at all if we didn’t have a deal. He suggested that the Frenchman hand the cards to me as the nearest to a neutral observer at the table and with a reputation for honesty and probity.

I said that I’d be very happy to act as dealer but only if the Frenchman would give me the cards which he was still holding close to his chest. I also made the point that it was also the dealer’s responsibility to gather up the money at the end of each hand and pass it over to the winner but I was unsure what the status was of the £50bn fine that the Frenchman had talked about. “Is that,” I asked, “the preliminary amount known as the ‘ante’ which each player must put into the pot at the start of each hand?

“If so, I’m afraid I’d have to leave the game as I don’t have that amount of cash on me.”

“You British are always talking about leaving,” the Frenchman said, “but you can’t leave without joining the game and you can’t join the game until it’s begun and it can’t begin until we’ve had a deal.”

“I’m the best person to deal,” said the PM. “I’ve just shuffled my cabinet and I can shuffle the cards if you’ll hand them over.”

“That wasn’t much of a shuffle,” the Frenchman snorted. “You left most of the cabinet in the same place as they’d started. On the other hand, they tell me that recent events suggest that you’re rubbish at gambling, so we really ought to get on with the deal.”

All eyes then fixed on the PM who turned a little red but was consoled by the Chancellor who suggested that we’d had a good day of negotiations and should adjourn until morning when nominations for dealer would continue.