100 YEARS OLD AND STILL UNLUCKY AT CARDS...
SINCE I mentioned yesterday that I had been playing Euro Hold ’Em Poker in Brussels with the PM, the Chancellor and a Frenchman, several readers have written to ask for the rules of this game. I am, of course, happy to oblige, beginning with a glossary of useful terms.
Cards: These are the items used in the deal which are kept close to the chest of the players. The contents of the cards are kept secret until revealed at the end of the hand when their contents may even be a surprise to the card holders.
Deal: Formally this involves the equitable sharing out of the cards by the dealer but this cannot be done until agreement has been reached on who is the dealer, whether there should be a deal at all and whether a bad deal is better or worse than no deal at all.
Stakes: All are agreed that the stakes are very high but they are not agreed on how high or which interpretation of “stakes” should be employed. The word may be applied to the sum of money necessary to join or leave the game, the amount that must be wagered on each hand or the pointed pieces of wood driven through the hearts of vampires from Eastern Europe to prevent their free movement to places outside the Schengen area.
A pair: A player is said to have a pair if he or she has had to absent himself or herself from the national parliament in order to take part in the game and has therefore had to reach an agreement for a member of the opposition to be absent from any vote in that parliament to balance things.
Three of a kind: This is said to occur when three players of the game reach complete agreement over anything at all. This has never been known to happen but we live in hope.
A straight: A mode of play that is direct, open honest and forthright, seeking fair and balanced treatment for all. This has also never been known to happen.
A flush: This is when a player has made an unsuccessful gamble which is so embarrassing that the player’s face turns pink, revealing their true position to the other players.
A Royal flush: When a head of state makes a vacuous speech at the opening of Parliament because the Government has had to water down policies to such an extent that very little remains to make a speech about.
No-Trumps: A formal agreement that the US President shall play no part in the game and that in case of dispute the rules of the Eurovision Song Contest shall be adhered to.
Having clarified the terminology, we may now proceed with the playing rules:
The dealer, if it has been agreed that all players think a deal is a good idea, shall ask whether anyone has any objections to a bad deal, discuss what constitutes a bad deal and find out if they would prefer no deal at all.
The players shall then return home to discuss the matter with colleagues, many of whom will secretly prefer the Eurovision Song Contest rules anyway. All will then congratulate themselves on a good start to the game.