A guiding light in times of darkness
A MANUAL FOR HEARTACHE
WHEN Cathy Rentzenbrink was 17, her adored brother Matty, 16, was knocked down by a car and left in a persistent vegetative state. It took eight years and a gruelling legal battle before Matty was allowed to die. Cathy documented her struggle to come to terms with his death in her bestselling, award-winning memoir The Last Act Of Love.
Since that devastating day in 1990 Rentzenbrink has walked a long, hard road to a form of recovery and in A Manual For Heartache she shares her hard-won wisdom in the hope of helping anyone poleaxed by grief or heartbreak. “This is the book I wish I’d been given when the worst happened, full of the advice I wish I’d been given,” she says.
It is also invaluable reading for anyone whose loved ones are suffering, containing “an etiquette guide for bad news”.
In Rentzenbrink’s experience it is not quite true that time is a great healer. “All I ever tried to do was grit my teeth and wait for time to pass or try to distract myself from it but I missed the point. Time itself doesn’t have magical properties, it’s what you do with the time that matters.” It was only when she started to confront her feelings of sadness and anger and stopped self-medicating with alcohol that she began to process her grief. But Matty’s death left Rentzenbrink hyper-aware of mortality: “Damaged people know that it can happen again. That’s our biggest problem.” So she offers advice about coping with depression or anxiety, from establishing where you have power and influence over your thoughts to identifying the triggers that depress or elevate your moods. And when she feels she is losing her perspective on day-to-day life, she considers whether her worries will matter on her deathbed.
Given the impact of loss and grief upon our mental health, she points out that according to mental health charity Mind, one in four people will suffer mental illness this year. She reassures sufferers that they are far from alone and explains how her mental health improved when she started being more honest with her friends and family about her state of mind. Her tentative optimism offers much-needed hope to fellow travellers.
Naturally Rentzenbrink does not profess to have all the answers. When she started to find social media unpleasantly judgmental, she couldn’t quite pinpoint why. “I’m filing it under a long list of things I don’t fully understand... When I realise something isn’t good for me, I don’t have to understand why... I can just reverse out.”
This spirit of openness and reflection infuses her book.
When Rentzenbrink considers what she wants from life, one of her conclusions is that she will be happy “if I was in any way useful or made a difference”. I think she can safely tick that goal off her bucket list. Big-hearted, moving, deeply sympathetic and gently honest, this goldmine of wisdom and insight will offer solace to many lost souls in their hour of need.