100 YEARS OLD AND STILL KEEPING OUR TUBES SAFE...

MINUTES of an extraordinary general meeting of K-Slott, the Keep Sea Lions Off The Tubes pressure group. The meeting had been called by Penny Pedia, the delegate for Mansion House and South Ealing and seconded by Manna Tee, representing Pimlico and St John’s Wood.

Beachcomber opened the meeting in his position as President and Founder of K-Slott and asked Ms Pedia to summarise her reasons for calling it. Before she began, however, Mr C Lyon, delegate for the Westbound district, asked, on a point of information, what Mansion House and South Ealing had in common and whether Ms Pedia represented both of them together or separately.

The President then pointed out that Mansion House and South Ealing were the only two stations on the London underground network whose names contained all five vowels and it did not matter in the slightest whether they were represented separately or together. He urged Ms Pedia to continue her presentation in order to get it finished in time for lunch but before she could begin Mr Lyon interrupted again asking, “What about St John’s Wood and Pimlico, then?”

Beachcomber said that he thought everyone knew that St John’s Wood was the only station whose name had no letters in common with the word “mackerel” and Pimlico was the only station with no letters in common with “hare”. Furthermore, he said, “hare” is the shortest word that uniquely defined a Tube station in that manner, apart, of course, from “hear” which consists of the same letters. He also urged Mr Lyon to stop interrupting and threatened him with ejection from the hall if he did so again.

Ms Pedia then said that she had called the meeting to discuss the vital question of what effect Brexit would have on our constant battle to keep the London Tubes free from sea lions.

Her colleague Manna Tee then drew the meeting’s attention to a paper that appeared in the journal Animal Behaviour last year under the title: Travel For Sex: Long-range Breeding Dispersal And Winter Haulout Fidelity In Southern Sea Lion Males, explaining that “haulout” is a term referring to sea lions temporarily leaving the water in order to explore sites on land or ice.

Mr Lyon then asked whether, if this paper was about southern sea lion males, it had any relevance to female sea lions on the Northern Line. He was promptly ejected from the room and played no further part in the meeting apart from the occasional pummelling on the locked door.

The President thanked Miss Pedia and Ms Tee for their valuable contributions but asked what all this talk of hauled-out land-based sex tourism by southern sea lions had to do with Brexit and Miss Pedia said she was coming to that.

Beachcomber then suggested that it was a good moment to adjourn for lunch and offered to fill everyone’s glass with Laurent-Perrier Ultra Brut. His offer was accepted unanimously and the meeting was adjourned. Don’t miss tomorrow’s thrilling episode.