100 YEARS OLD AND STILL MOPPING UP STATISTICS...

IHAVE just received an email with a truly shocking piece of news. “Did you know,” it began, “that only 46 per cent of people wash or replace their mop head more than twice a year?”

The message is slightly ambiguous, of course. It could mean that only 46 per cent either wash themselves or replace their mop heads but in my experience, the great unwashed do not constitute such a large percentage of the population, so I supposed it must mean that 46 per cent of people either wash their mop heads or replace them more than twice a year.

I read further and discovered that two-thirds of people mop their floors at least once a week but the email then repeated that 46 per cent figure for biannual mop head washers and replacers.

Again I was beset with doubts concerning possible ambiguity. Was it 46 per cent of the two-thirds who are hebdomadal floor moppers, or is it 46 per cent of the whole population? Seeking clarification of that important matter, I rang the young lady who had sent me the email.

After explaining the problem to her, I pointed out that if it is 46 per cent of the entire population, the other 54 per cent of non mop head changers could well be the same people as the 54 per cent who say they plan more weekend getaways in 2017, in which case, it could be that they are trying to flee the house at weekends because the floors are filthy as they haven’t changed the mop head, or possibly that they’ve used their weekend getaways as excuses for not changing or washing their mop heads as they claim to be too busy packing.

If, on the other hand, it’s 46 per cent of the two-thirds who clean their floors weekly, that would amount to only 31 per cent of the whole population which is the same as the percentage of people who don’t realise that you can buy frozen turkey stuffing which strikes me as neither here, there, nor splattered on the kitchen floor awaiting a good mopping.

“Bear with me,” she said, and I wondered, if she had a bear with her, whether she could train it to mop up the floor. I believe that a Moscow circus some years back trained bears to play football, compared with which I’d have thought a bit of mopping would be a doddle. In time, one might even get the bear to wash or change the mop head a couple of times a year, which would reduce the percentage of people who feel the need to do so.

I was about to suggest that to her when I realised that she had wandered off to find the answer to my query about mopping. I imagine she took the bear with her. The health and safety people would be down on her like a ton of dirty mop heads if she left the bear unattended in the office, I imagine.

Anyway, she soon returned and told me that it was 46 per cent of the entire population and that the Vileda SuperMocio 3 Action XL mop head is machine washable.

Sadly, my interest in mop heads had waned by then, so I bid her a polite farewell and stared forlornly at my soiled kitchen floor tiles.