100 YEARS OLD AND STILL LOOKING BACKWARDS...

THE YEAR was sometime around 7000 BC and a fierce argument was raging among the Norse gods. The question was: what should they do, if anything, about the ending of the Ice Age?

Aegir, ruler of the sea, had pointed out that the melting of the ice would release vast quantities of water which would flood the plains between Britain and Europe cutting Britain off from the continent. Aegir was all in favour of that as it increased his territory but other gods were less sure and some even vehemently opposed the creation of this liquid frontier.

Thor, God of Battle, and Woden (also known as Odin) God of War and leader of all the Gods, strongly opposed Aegir’s view. “If we have such a barrier between Britain and Europe,” he said, “how can the Vikings be expected to conquer Britain?” they asked. “Going in boats is so undignified for an army.”

With the gods split on the matter, Woden ruled that they must have a vote on it. Before that vote, however, he gathered together his closest supporters to see if they could find a way to persuade others of their viewpoint. At this meeting, besides Woden and Thor were Tiw (or Tyr), God of Heroic Glory, and Frigga, Goddess of Motherhood and Marriage.

“It is no coincidence that we four are all against cutting Britain off,” said Woden. “The Brits have, after all, named days of the week after all of us: Tiwsday, Wodensday, Thorsday and Friggasday. I shall see if we can get them to change the names of the other days to appease some other gods. We could have Lokisday, Baldursday and Yggdrasilday, for example.”

“Yggdrasil’s a tree, isn’t it?” asked Frigga.

“Strictly speaking, yes,” Woden agreed. “It’s the Tree of Life, which is pretty godlike, if you ask me but we could have Bragisday instead if you like. He’s the God of Music, you know.”

“Oy!” protested Frigga, “that’s six days named after gods and only one after a goddess. Where’s this sexual parity you’ve been promising?”

“Shut up, woman,” commanded Woden, as these were the days before sexual equality, “or I’ll dock your wages in Valhalla even further.”

That comment probably did not help and was seen by many as the turning point in the gods’ referendum on Europe as most of the goddesses were subsequently found to have voted against Woden. The Brits, in any case, refused the change the names of their days and the vote went against Woden to allow the North Sea to form.

After briefly considering resigning as head god, Woden set up a period of negotiation with the other gods and the Brits themselves and there was plenty for them to talk about.

There was the matter of giving the Vikings longboats so they could continue their raping, pillaging and looting of northern Britain. There was the question of the status of CroMagnons and other neolithic types who had settled in Britain, and there was a host of other questions.

“They’ll sort it out,” said Woden, washing his hands of the matter. And we’ve been sorting it out ever since.