BEACHCOMBER

100 YEARS OLD AND STILL LOST IN WONDERLAND...

ALICE was beginning to get very tired of sitting on one side of the Channel throwing her money into the water and watching it float over to the other side. At the same time, many people seemed to be getting out of boats on Alice’s side and she couldn’t understand why.

“What is the use of a Channel,” Alice asked herself, if you have to keep throwing money into it?” Just as she was pondering that problem however a white rabbit ran past her, pulled a watch from his waistcoat pocket, shook his head and announced that he was late. “But never mind,” he added, “for it is an hour later across the Channel and I shall be on time.” And he dived into the Channel and began swimming. “Where are you going?” Alice asked. “I’m off to Wonderland to tell them I don’t want to go there,” the rabbit said. “Wonderland isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, you know.”

“Then why are you going there?” Alice asked.

“To tell them I don’t want to be there,” said the rabbit. “Follow me, demand to see the Red Queen and tell her you don’t want to see her either.”

Alice thought this was terribly illogical and wanted to ask the rabbit more but he had swum off at high speed. So Alice swam after him.

When she arrived at the other side she couldn’t find the rabbit but spotted a caterpillar sitting on a mushroom smoking a hookah.

Alice was appalled. “You shouldn’t smoke in a food preparation area, and anyway you shouldn’t have caterpillars on mushrooms. Don’t you have any hygiene standards over here?”

“We have a Common Agricultural Policy,” said the caterpillar. “That’s better than hygiene standards. Anyway, I’m not a caterpillar. Under Wonderland regulations I’m a proto-butterfly.”

Just then, two plump gentlemen who looked exactly the same as each other walked by. “I’m Tweedledum,” said one of them, “and he’s Tweedledee,” said the other, pointing at his companion.

“That doesn’t make sense,” said Alice. “Are you Dum or Dee?” “Both or neither,” came the reply. “Or neither or both, contrariwise,” said the other. “Just ask the Queen.”

Fortunately, the Red Queen happened to pass by at that moment and asked Alice what she was doing in Wonderland.

“I’ve been wondering exactly that myself,” Alice admitted. “In fact, I think I’m going to leave.”

“You can’t do that,” said the Queen. “Not without my permission. And you will only get my permission if you give me all your money.”

“I can leave if I want to,” Alice insisted. “I can just swim home and never have anything to do with you ever again.” “No you can’t,” said the Queen. “Yes I can,” said Alice. “I do love a good negotiation,” said the Queen. “Anyway, you’re here now and you can’t leave, because if you left you wouldn’t be here, which you are, so it’s impossible.”

Alice hoped it was all a dream, but it wasn’t. “This is going to take some time,” she sighed wearily. And the negotiations continued.